"You've got much to think about…"-Letters to Cleo

One of the hardest parts of divorce is reclaiming your life. At first it's like painting a barn with a cat. Sure, you have a big hairy brush, but it's very uncooperative, and there's a lot of space to fill.

Besides, do you really want to whitewash the whole marriage? I think as time goes by, there are things that it's ok to let show. It doesn't mean that I haven't moved on, it just means that I'm not willing give them up. Maybe it's because I'm too stubborn to say "Oh, those 10 years? They were wasted. I threw them away." No! I don't care how wasted I was, I went to the concert, I want the stupid T-shirt. I was there.

Hey! Now there's an idea. Maybe I should do that. Get a concert shirt made:

MyUnwife: Millennium Tornado Tour!

99-07

My mom gave us a stitched sampler that hasn't hung on the wall since MyUwife left. I haven't had much use for proverbs of lasting love. Now I could sew it to the back of my MyUnwife concert shirt. I rock!

Yeah, The only show where I got the front row seats. Well I was up front for Mr. Mister in 86 but I think I'd rather forget that. I was young and impressionable.

"So take these broken wings…"

Yeah, right backatcha, buddy.

So the crisis becomes painting over the pain, and keeping the keepsakes. Wheat from chaff, baby, wheat from chaff…Which constitutes which? Well that, my friend, is a Bill Todman and Mark Goodson gameshow of surprises in itself.

I like to start with the onion game. The onion game goes like this: set an item on the table and stare at it. What happened? Are you crying like a baby? Throw it out, with the year supply of car wax. Either that or box it up for a later attempt. That is one addendum I should warn you about: you need to give yourself some time before you play this game. Try playing the first week of your separation and you'll be sitting on the curb roasting marshmallows over what used to be your house.

"She used to sit in that car…"

Yeah, give it a few months before you do the onion game.

The next test is the functionality game. If you do save the item, how many things can you do with it?

"I can make a broach, or a pterodactyl…"

-Airplane

Will it do more than take up a shelf in the closet? Just because you're splitting assets, doesn't mean your half needs to be the Mr. Microphone and the Fondue Pot. If you don't like cheese on a stick, you can throw both these things out.

On the bright side, this is the perfect opportunity to clear your house of all the things you couldn't throw away before. Remember the Hello Kitty Herb Garden/Tea Kettle Aunt Sadie gave you for your wedding? Remember how every time she visited, you had to remember what closet it was hidden in, and then run to Wal-Mart and grab Chia-fluff to stuff in it?

"It doesn't grow very fast does it."

"No, Aunt Sadie, but it's perfect for us. We really love it…"

It was a wedding gift. You can throw it away! Sadie will totally understand!

"Oh, I gave it to MyUnwife. She loved it."

"Oh don't worry I'll get you another one!"

"Thanks.."

No! Now's the clean slate. Tell her there are too many memories attached to it. Sadie's young enough; she remembers memories. If she doesn't all the better.

"No, you gave me this Xbox 360 for our wedding. MyUnwife wanted it, but I said 'no. It was a gift from my favorite aunt.'"

"You are such a good boy…"

That's how you start the paint job. Sure you and your cat have missed lots of spots. If you wanted to hit all the spots, you'd have used a dog. It happens. Let it dry for now, because the next step is to fill in the blank spaces with new stuff that represents the new you. Sure, as a couple, maybe you were the acoustic guitar by the fireplace couple drinking merlot and singing Diane Warren ballads. Now you're you again. Grab the Gibson axe and shred Slash solos till your fingers bleed. You can use that to paint the barn. It's your barn.

That's the point. When MyUnwife first left I was so upset because I missed who "we" were. I still do from time to time, but through it all, I love who "I" am. Does that make me vain and shallow? Sure why not. I have a place for vain and shallow up here on my barn. Now if I can just find that damn paint-cat to finish the job.

WREEEER!

Ow! Little bast-