I greet each day with a cup of coffee.
"howdy day!"
"Howdy Rob! Fine cup of coffee you have there!"
Sipping coffee I reply, "Aye it is!" Because somehow every morning I dream I'll discover I'm really Dread Pirate Roberts. "Have a good You, Day!"
"I will and you have--well, nevermind, I won't spoil the surprise for you."
Hmmm. That day, He can be so mysterious.
Next thing I do is go through my email. That usually takes a minute. 3 tins of Spam and a letter from one boss or another saying "Rob do this."
"What do you think, Coffee?"
"I say wait till later, Rob."
"Me too, Coffee!"
Today I actually got a real email from a friend. She sounds a little panicked. She's been divorced for a year now and her dating life isn't quite what she remembers it being the last time she was single. I'm hoping for better than that for myself, but right now she's in the uncomfortable spotlight. I'm gonna keep her there as long as I can.
Hi Rob,
I'm doing a little personal survey of all the men I know. Do you men like to be pursued? What about being hog-tied and called Strawberry Shortcake? Would you prefer to do the pursuing? Is it a turn off for a woman to show she's interested or would you prefer a hard-to-get mace spritzer and a Tazer blast "Hello!" What do you look for in a woman? Personality, looks, or is it drunk and lonely first? What if they have kids? Turn off or on? Other than the Catholic school girl uniform, what makes a woman approachable?
Sincerely,
She-Ra, Princess of Power
Well those are some great questions She-Ra. I'm glad you asked! And I'm just the guy to answer them for you. Just ask MyUnwife and my inflatable harem. Yeah, I know all about women.
Obviously I don't, but I do know enough to answer these questions. So as your guide through the friendly divorce, let me take a moment and fill out everybody's questionnaire. Have your pens out? Ok. Here we go.
Some guys like being pursued, others don't. Some guys like pursuing, others don't. Some guys like the woman to look interested, other guys don't. Some guys prefer personality, other guys look for looks. Some guys like kids; those are the guys you turn in to the cops. Next question.
What do I look for in a woman? Not every guy would agree with me, but I lean towards "living." Yeah, that's kind of a turn on for me. Beyond that and some age and psychological requirements ("Sally, why do you always pretend to look at me through the sights of a gun and go 'bang'?"), I take the whole thing on a case by case basis.
Find Dating-Rob in this Picture!
What makes a woman approachable? I don't know! I'm as skittish as a deer. I've been tied to one too many hoods; I'm shy, and don't do a lot of "approaching" unless there's an extended hand of treats. I think at this point a woman would have to nail my feet to the floor before she introduced herself. It's a good idea to nail both, because otherwise I'll just run in circles screaming. Not a good first impression.
See girls, here's the thing: All guys are looking for something different. We're all looking for the one person that best fits our list of requirements. Some guys prefer to stock up, but that's another story. The thing is, what every guy wants is different. Some guys like green apples other guys like bull whips and cat woman suits.
The best thing you can do is take the army's advice: "be all that you can be." Be you. Be the best you you can be, and that will attract the best guys for you. Pretend to be Paris Hilton and you'll get her guys. Don't do that; we all know how catty she can be. Besides, do you really want her guys? Rick Sonomon? Well there's proof women's taste can be as varied as the guys'.
Seriously, to revisit my friends question "what do you look for in a woman?" First and foremost, I want them to be comfortable with who they are. If you don't know who you are, how am I going to know if I like you?
So if you're divorce, and you think you're ready to date, take Hamlet's advice, "To thine own self be true." Sure he died, his girlfriend committed suicide, his mom married his uncle, and he sent his best friends off to be murdered by a bunch of Beatlemaniacs, but "tragic redneck" is who he was.
That's not me, but I'm not looking for Ophelia. I'd like somebody who lives to see the end of Rob's play, and whose brother I didn't have to murder. That's who I am. So women, be who you are, and we guys will find you. I promise. It may take a while, to find you because we won't ask for directions, but we'll get there, and we'll try to be worth the wait.
So says the guy sitting in a t-shirt and shorts sipping his coffee at home alone and writing a divorce blog. Yeah, I know all about relationships. Next week I'll tell you all about quantum mechanics and the women who love them.
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