"Who are they? Where are they..?"-Jem

They're out to get me! No really! Stop backing towards the door. I'm not crazy; I swear.

Ok well maybe a slight nutty sprinkle on top, but it's all for flavor. I'm not dangerous, and it is true: they do hate me.

Which "they" am I referring to? Well it's not MyUnwife this time. She's a she--not a collaborative--just a single entity. That doesn't make her less dangerous, just easier to see coming.

"She's coming right for us Captain!"

"Evasive maneuvers! Send out the Smiley face chaff!"

"Aye, aye! Captain!"

See? My fictional captain isn't a patch wearing pirate. If that were the case it would just be a one "Aye! Captain." Sorry. It's Monday, and they are after me. I don't have time for quality humor. It's just stick and run. Go ahead, take a second to wipe the OJ from the key's before it gets sticky.

I said I was sorry! Now you see why they're could be after me. They hold a grudge. Oh, I still haven't told you which they is after me, have I? Ok, this they is not the government (that's "them") this they is the inanimate they.

Don't let the immobile name fool you. It's a trick. You see the inanimate as inanimate only because they created the word "inanimate" to lull you to sleep. It's like "friendly divorce." It makes you think "oh, that won't be bad…" They're evil.

You remember the movie Final Destination? It's not just a bad horror movie it's a safety film. Blood on the Highway, baby. Why do you think there were 3 films? It certainly wasn't because of the quality screenwriting and mind-bending visual effects. It was to be sure you knew they were out there. The only thing the movie got wrong, is that they assumed a grand force was behind it. Ie, Death. No, it's not Death, it's a coalition of mundane objects bent on killing people for fun.

Don't believe me? Ask yourself this: Why is it every time you open the paperclip drawer you can't take just one without unwinding it from the masses? Why is there more change in your couch than in your pockets? Why are your keys never where they're supposed to be? Why is the Hair dryer in the shower always plugged in? Oh, that one was just MyUnwife. Sorry, no panic there.

The communicate through

refrigerator magnets. I think

they learned it from my divorce.

See? It's starting to make sense now, huh? Rob's only half as crazy as he seems. Right now they're on an all out Rob-assault. I think it started with the rock that rolled under my foot, twisting my ankle. They tried to injure me to take me out. It hasn't worked yet.

That hasn't stopped them from trying. This weekend my lawn mower quit. I tried to fix it, but I'm not a mechanic. Oh, I know a few things, but for the most part, I'm that guy you see with the car pulled over to the side of the road with the hood up going, "Yup, that is an engine." A lawn mower is a simple engine. I looked at my half completed lawn, then down at the laughing mower and said, "Yup, that is an engine."

I suppose I'm lucky it didn't cut off my face as I rolled it over on it's back. I figured I was safe. Ask MyUnwife. I've never owned a mower that suddenly burst to life. Mine all prefer to sit in the garage and relax.

After the mower went, so did my computer. I know what you're saying. "What's so dangerous about a dead computer?" Well for me, killing my computer is like a winter blizzard cutting me off from society.

All work and no play make Rob a dull boy...

So I drank a liter of Red rum and New Coke to keep myself warm, then rebuilt my computer. It's still not done yet. As I told one friend, it's like I've moved into a new house. There's all the space and potential, but everything is still in boxes. My computer is furnished by Ikea; nothing is preassembled, and all the instructions are in a foreign language. But, like the rest of my life, I'm working on it.

I've bathed myself in holy water and slapped on some deodorant. The inanimate are terrified of fresh arm pits; I don't know why. I've rebuilt everything they've torn down for now, but if you could send a small child with buckets of drool, I think that might hold them back. They hate kid drool too. They hate a lot of things. They do love to watch me squirm though.

So that's what I did for my April Weekend. What did you do? What are you doing with the straight jacket and the needle?