"…I want a partner…she said yoo hoo…"-Imperial Teen

"The shifter somehow moved into drive while we were in the back seat."

"You said her dad was a mechanic. It's his extensive of knowledge of engines that helped him move the car."

Dad's a ghost, and I'm having less trouble buying that than the dialogue. I don't have more than a Fred Flintstone understanding of how cars go, but I can tell you, if you maneuver the little shifty thing into the "D" position, the car will move forward. I know, my grandfather owned a tractor dealership, but I think I'd have earned that trivial pursuit wedge anyway.

"What happens to a car when you move the shifter to the "D" position?

1. The car explodes.
2. Nothing happens.
3. The chinchilla on the Ronco Engine Block Rotisserie starts to spin.
4. The car moves forward.
5. All of the Above.

This is important, it should be on the drivers test. Then again, I think the show takes place in SoCal. You only need to perform one act of road rage, and you win a license. We don't care how you got the car to move. We just want you to move it.

Still, I'm kinda concerned that Ghost Whisperer wants me to believe that Only SCE certified mechanics can make a car go. I smell a product placement spot. You know the ghost did look like one of the Pep Boys…That's the conclusion they came to on Ghost Whisperer last night. My conclusion? I turned it off before any more innocent neurons were run down.

Interesting thing though, this was probably only the second stupidest conversation I heard last night. The first place goes to the woman in the grocery store.

Otherpeople Dynamics

"Are you crying?"

She's in the frozen food aisle. She's not talking to me. I'm just a bystander trying to appease a weird lima bean craving.

"Tell me you're not crying." I look back, I need to be sure she's not talking to me. Nope. She's not talking to the kid in her cart either. She's talking to her husband.

"I'm not! It's just freaking me out."

"well what the hell did he put up there?"

"I don't know."

"You were watching him."

See, neither parent expected their small son to put something up his nose. Did they just find him on the porch this morning? I've never been a parent, but I was a boy. A boy's nose is a pre-school change purse. A guy's gotta store his stuff. If it wont' fit there, it's going to the next biggest orifice. That should be the mouth, but some guys get the serious dumbo ears. If a boy's got those, I'll tell you now: that's not just ear wax collecting in there. Remember that army-man that went AWOL from the green plastic battalion? Yup, the ear was the closest foxhole. He's still there waiting for reinforcements.

"We've lost communication with Private Ear."

"It was a pirate's mission. He knew the risks. Send in Corporal Q-tip for clean up."

"Yes sir."

These parents don't know that, and after burying her finger up to the second knuckle in the boy's nose, Mom is sending Dad home for the special nose reconnaissance tweezers. The kid is freaking out. Go figure.

"Shhhh! Just relax! Don't sniff!"

Snort. Snort.

"Don't do that!"

If Mom would pull her finger out, Dad and boy might calm down. That's my thought, but I don't say anything, I'm not a parent. I don't know these things. I do know that junior sure looks like a big fish on her hook finger.

"Gonna need a bigger boat."

I need to start hanging out here. The grocery store is the perfect place to work on my relationship dynamics. I'm a guy, I'll never understand women, but I can learn how other guys collaborate and cohabitate. I thought I knew what I was doing. I was wrong. Now it's back to the aisles of learning.

I'm gonna say the booger family is not a good case study. Dad's still freaking out, and mom's still fishing. I move on.

Sorry kid, you're on your own here.

I wander down aisle and continue shopping. It's too late to really do any couple watching. Most of what I have around me now are late night sugar jonesing teens. They're no help whatsoever. What they consider a relationship is no more substantial than the handful of candy they're trying to stuff in their pockets.

There is a couple in front of me as I check out. If the girls slamming stuff on the conveyer and rolling her eyes skyward every time the guy speaks is any indication, they're on their last legs. I don't need a Ghost Whisperer to tell me that.

Instant burritos, Coca Cola and a butt-load of left-over Easter candy. I look to my stack of fruits and veggies then back to their pile. I remember when I used to buy that stuff. That was about the same time MyUnwife and I realized the first key rule to grocery shopping: Never go into the store hungry. That was the same day we sat in a Palm Springs parking lot in the middle of June devouring a bag of chips because we were too hungry to drive home first. Then we were too sweaty, salty and dehydrated to drive home. The boiling Cokes in the trunk were no help, so somebody had to wander back in the air conditioned store to retrieve 2 refrigerated ones.

"Why did it take you a half hour to bring back 2 cokes?"

"uhm…I…uh…couldn't find them."

"They're right by the door!"

"Oh, I was checking the walk in freezer…"

Funny, the car got really cold after that.

Yeah, this woman's yelling at the guy because they can't afford the pack of Dentyne he's just thrown on goodie stack. I'm guessing she picked out the dozen Easter eggs filled with Skittles. That pack of gum is an important place to draw the line.

Like I'm one to talk. We had our share of gum arguments. I'll just file this away as something to avoid.

Out in the parkinglot The family with the buried nose treasure is loading into the car. The poor kid is screaming. Now Mom and dad are arguing over the car keys. Dad didn't bring his and Mom's misplaced hers. Have you checked the kid's nose?

I'm just asking. I've got a lot to learn...