Yard work?
Blech!
I swear, when we huddled in the monitor glow, basking in all the "he wants/she wants" cut and paste of our divorce, I tried to give her the yard work.
"Take the mower."
"Why do I want that?"
"To mow the lawn."
"What lawn? I have a service."
"My lawn."
"Why..?"
"To spite me. I love mowing the lawn. I live for it! You'd cut me to the quick!"
"Funny, in 7 years of marriage I'd have thought that love would have surfaced somehow."
"It's a subtle love." I grin. It doesn't work. It hasn't worked in years.
"Anyway…I'm taking the washing machine."
"You can't."
"Why not?"
"It goes with the lawn."
"nice try." Drag and drop, a dragon icon moves the clothes washer to her treasure trove. A .wav crowd cheers.
I really wish the makers of the divorce website would have tried to include some fun. That would have been cool. Anything to make our divorce entertaining.
I read something about a Texas firm who was trying to do that. They were going at divorce from the Ebay approach. Each person bid on what they wanted and whoever wanted it the most won. I'm still not sure if they gave you bidding points or you were really expected to "pay" for your winnings. That wasn't clear. Somehow paying twice doesn't seem fun at all.
"Hi It's me! I wanted to let you know I won all your clothes. You came into the world naked and alone, you'll be leaving our relationship the same way. Have a good day!"
Good times. I don't think that's how I'd want to handle a divorce. I'm not saying you can't put in a little excitement. We all could use that to lighten things up. Did you ever notice that the word "divorce" doesn't even include the letters "fun?" Then again neither does marriage. It does include a "mar" and "age" though. It's probably Latin for "scarring through the eons." Now I'm just being bitter. I swear, I'm a lover not a spiter.
Ok, I didn't believe that either, but it sounded good. Let's go back to the jar of Vaseline and sliding the fun into divorce.
Nope. Doesn't Fit...
I love wrestling with words, but there's no way to do this linguistically. I can work out ways to fit the F-U but there's no N in sight. Some people try to drop it in at the end as a suffix. "Divorce party" spells F-U-N. They include things like upside-down cakes lying on spouses like a Kansas homestead in a Munchkinland Motif. Then somewhere after the Jello shots comes the cool games like "pin the prick on the prick."
"Hey Why am I chained to this wall?"
"Speak louder! The blindfold and the Jello are disorienting."
"That' sounds like our wedding nig-OW!"
I think I'll avoid that. I still think it might have been cool to make something out of the opening divorce process. Maybe the Ebay thing was on the right road; they just stopped at the wrong diner. Whet if you made a game out of splitting stuff? You know sort of like a Mortal Kombat thing.
Finish Him!
It could be like two avatars duking it out with kitchen cutlery over prized possessions. That would be cool! Whatever you're fighting for could hover at the top the screen like a trophy. Then again maybe not. Maybe the trophy should be a surprise, sort of like a game show. Add suspended suspense!
"You win the Into the West DVD collection and the Skeet Ulrich buffalo musk."
"Yay? Can I trade that for the Ugly Betty Rubble Love Doll?"
That might lead to cooperation: another rare word in divorce scrabble! I'm probably just dreaming big. I should think small. Maybe we could use old kid's games to spice it up. You know, Like winning treasures with a game of Clue:The cat, the rolling pin, and the bathroom towels. Woo Hoo!
What about Battleship? "You sunk my Entertainment Center! I am so gonna get your TV!"
I could have pulled out the Rock'em Sock'em Robots from the garage.
"Knock his block off!"
Pop!
VREEEEE!
"Not my real block! The toy robot!"
"Oh sorry, I always get that one wrong."
All this divorce fun is getting painful. I better go mow the lawn.
Pop! Vree! Indeed...
Divorce game night favorites.
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