"the promises broke and the make-believe ran out…"- The Cure

Correspondence. According to Microsoft's little drop down dictionary, it can either mean written communication, conformity, or similarity. OED offers e a page full of tiny print that adds up to the same thing. You could say they correspond. Correspondence.

"Could you use that in a sentence?"

"Ok, Rob does not correspond."

Nice. I do though, sometimes. Today I'm trying to do the first one. Yeah, go ahead and read back. Figure out which one that is and catch up. Don't forget to take a buddy, we wouldn't want you to get lost. My email box has correspondence in it daily. Usually it's something from 1-800-Flowers.com reminding me I used to be a "preferred customer."

Dear flower folks,

thanks for the bouquet of reminders.

Laughlin--Las Vegas' illegitimate cousin--wants me to come and play. They'll give me free room and board, all I need to do is take a gamble.

Dear Colorado River Hot-spot,

I'm not eager to visit at this moment. I can sit alone and play slot machines on my computer.

Ok that pretty much does it. Oh there is one from a friend. They want to know if I know somebody I can "introduce" them to. When did I become Robby matchmaker? When did I become qualified to be Robby Matchmaker?

You read my blog. What part of "divorced guy working at home" makes me the ideal E-harmony equivalent? I get tons of cool Myspace friend invites from bikini clad club girls whose name is some exotic porn name amalgamation. How did that work? Childhood pet's name with home address? I bet Thumper Mainstreet's mom is proud.

This doesn't mean I know people. Any idiot can get nearly-naked mail. I suppose I could check the bikini clad girl's friend list and introduce those "friends" to my friend. Yeah, I am some great friend huh?

And just once I'd like to get an invite from somebody who's fully clothed besides my sister. I know, I'm a guy, I should like scantily clad pretzel girls. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do, but when it fills my mailbox like Striptease breasts, even this guy can get bored. The same thing happened with dwarves in lederhosen. Too bad…

So I don't know how to reply to my friend. I'm not a matchmaker. Besides, I'm the guy getting the divorce, shouldn't I be the one getting set up? Ok that one's too easy. I'm not going to touch it.

I suppose I could practice my matchmaking arts on my junk mail. I get enough real world junk mail, that maybe I could introduce the senders. Would that get me off their list? I could forward the Church of Scientology stuff to the Church of Later Day Saints. I'm sure they have lots to talk about.

If I sent the Toyota dealer who keeps telling me I'm a "lucky winner" some of the Indian gaming flyers telling me the same, would they send me a free car and just eliminate the procedural middle man of payment? They should thank me.

I've stopped receiving the "Refinance your home now!" mailers. That's a shame, I just stared getting stuff from a guy wants to build me a shed. I think that could be my new home.

Once I hone my matchmaking skills with these people, I could move on to my friends. Then, when I get that down, maybe I could work out my own life.

Yeah, I know. That would require correspondence; I don't do that.