One thing about working late at night, You catch the most interesting ads on TV. Ok, maybe not interesting but, well…lets just say there's a definite target demographic. They've stopped trying to sell me the Cadillac SUV with the extra car seat holder sometime around midnight. In fact, all cars are neatly covered and garaged, except the local used lots. It's 2am: they're unloading anything cheap and old.
Jewelers are hiding their stones, and ware peddlers stopped worrying about what wipes I use to sanitize my children's world. They figure I did too. I'm not looking out for the interests of my child, pet, or fellow man, unless they're in terminal need of a Chia Pet shaped like Scooby Doo head. That I can get. Oh they are willing to drag a barefoot waif across streets of broken glass so that I'll send them ransom money to stop. Other than that, any shopping I'm doing right now, is for some product I can only access by the internet or a phone call. And it's not something I would buy in public if I could.
If their market research is right, I'm an insecure balding horny man looking to make my life leaner, longer, and full of nonstop action. I'm nostalgic for music I used to listen to when I was less balding and more libido driven to leave the house and whet my appetite at any club or bar that would open it's doors to the hungry wolf of youth. I swear, they're looking in my window!
Ok, I'm not balding, and I'm not interested in texting a hot babe to make my night complete. I watch some of these ads, and regret that they aren't still trying to sell me sanitary wipes. I'm feeling dirty and used.
I saw something else for sale last night that I wasn't prepared for. The commercial opens with a sexy couple gyrating, barely clothed, on my TV. He's behind her, lips pressed to her neck, she's arched against him, body pressed to everything else. The screen goes black, and white text appears: "this couple is happily married..." Black screen fades, the couple is back. Are they dressed? I don't know; they're entwined like the cover of a Nicole Jordan novel: it's hard to see anything but gliding flesh. The black screen comes back. I’m thinking Damn you! Bring them back! I just got rid of my premium channels! Ignoring me, new text appears, "…Just not to each other." The graphic goes, now the woman is standing alone in a robe, at a big sunlit window, sheer curtains drown back, reflecting white light. The company's logo and website rise onto the screen and then Cal Worthington appears, He wants me to buy an 84 Buick with a big back seat.
I have a DVR. I rewind. Did I just see…it appears so…I check out the website. Yup. They're selling me infidelity. They're proud to announce that they're the cure for "when monogamy becomes monotony."
Wha?
I'm in the middle of a divorce, I'd pay good money a pound of monogamy about now. Where's the ad for that? I know these aren't the only one-night over-night peddlers on the block. I guess what threw me was that other sites hide under "Don't ask don't tell" blanket. This site screamed "We're here to help you cheat!" and "cheat" was in big bold neon letters, blinking in time with some bass riff from a Barry White track.
Looking over the home screen, I see a little icon link in the lower corner. It's a picture of a girl and says "single?" I thought, well, at least they offer a legitimate dating service. Maybe that's how they appease their conscience. I clicked it. I'm not single, but I will be someday. Who's out there?
The new page loads up instantly. Boom! There's a pretty blond girl, smiling back at me. Just above her head reads a new caption, "Because the best men and women are already taken."
Holy crap! They're hooking for home wreckers!
"oh, this couple looks cute. I want to destroy their marriage!"
I stare in horror. MyUnwife might not agree, but I really do believe in the bonds of marriage. I never cheated on her, and I never went looking for somebody else. Trust is important. If there isn't trust, then what is there? A marriage thrives on the freedom allowed by trust and communication.
This site is selling neither. This site is the snake spiraling around a limb laden apple, saying "Come on, just a bite…"
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not going to be the next bobble head saint to toss up in your dashboard collection. I did things in my marriage I'm not proud of. If I'm half the man I should be, I'll learn from them and move on. I just can't stand people offering the means to destroy what should be held sacred. We're already demolition experts; we don't need help. Where's a vat of eye wash and antibacterial soap when I need it?
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