People in crowds: gotta hate them. They should have focus and direction but they don't. They mill. And no, not as in make flour. That and yeast at least would be useful. Then I could make a tasty bread or something while I'm waiting for them to get their million milling butts out of my way!
No, they waddle in place. It's march of the treadmill bound penguins! GAAAAHH! All I'm trying to do is get out of this theater. I need the bathroom, but lumbering guy and his date, Obliviia, are fascinated by the poster of Sylvester Stalone.
Yes, yes…Rambo, quite an original concept. Can we move now?
I don't say that. Lumbering Guy is big enough to call "lumbering guy." I'd pee on his leg if I didn't think he'd rip off my—well, you get my point. This couple has been my bane since I first sat down. He criticizes everything outside his understanding. And after listening to him, I'm here to tell you, that's a pretty big mysterious world for him to discover. Oblivia, on the other hand, is the type of woman who needs every blank filled in throughout the film. "I don't get it. Why would he do that?" She's asking her date. Even if it were one of the tattoos on his forearm, I don't think he's got the answer.
"Why don't they just go to the airport?"
I'd love to lean over and tell her, "wait five minutes to find out." but I fear Lumbering Guy. He looks jealous. I'd love to lean over and tell him not to worry, The Sugar Baby caramel glue will dissolve my tooth enamel decades before I tried to make a move on Oblivia, Still, to say that, I'd have to lean across her, further enraging the big guy. So, instead, I beat my head against the seat in front of me. Now I've pissed off the twenty-something movie geek sitting there. He hisses something about getting the manager, and then returns to trying to impress his girlfriend with his movie knowledge.
"I heard all the action sequences are CGI…"
The girlfriend doesn't care, she's digging through her purse, I'm hoping for duct tape.
This is all during the opening trailer for the new Knight Rider Film. We still haven't gotten to the actual movie. It's going to be a long night…
It was, and still is. I just need to get around—I need the bathroom. I worm through the crowd. Oh, an opening! Free at last!
My cell rings in the bathroom; it's MyUnwife. We've had more conversations in the past week than we've had in months. Still, I think she can wait until I finish this task. Outside, I call her back.
"Whassup?
"I learned some things today."
Uh-oh. Learning is never good. Not when it comes to us. Learning usually means new problems, new adventures. Even as a team, we had a knack for making things harder than they needed to be. I blamed me. It's my luck. She had no problem with that; she blamed me too.
This education wasn't about blame, but it was about adventures. After explaining the learning process she gets to the adventure: "I need somebody to serve you."
"Funny, I do too. I think that's why we're here."
"Funny." Her tone disagrees with her words, "Seriously, I can't do it. It has to be somebody else. Do you know anybody?"
Yeah, we could go through official channels, but she's trying to move this along. I can't blame her, it's been hanging over us long enough. Still, all my contacts live out of town. Her people seem to be uncomfortable with serving me divorce papers. The have images of Wimpering Rob. I wouldn't want that either.
"huh, imagene that…"
"I know!
"Did you tell them I'd be ok with it?"
"yeah, but they still think it's awkward."
"We could get somebody drunk…"
"That wouldn't be awkward."
"no more than the time you got me drunk and made me watch Brokeback Mountain."
I hear her laugh. I still have nightmares. I feel so used, so dirty…
Still as a team, we work through the dilemma, because even as Divorcing Couple that's what we do. We need a Notary anyway, we'll have them do it. It's nice to know we're relying on our strengths together rather than falling on our weaknesses. We did that for too long. I guess that's what works for Lumbering Guy and Oblivia too. They function together. Despite how much they annoyed me, I hope they continue to be a happy team. If for no other reason, than as singles, they'll be twice as annoying. Just ask MyUnwife's friends, that's why they're scrambling to the hills: They don't like the concept of dividing us into two annoying people again. That's almost as bad as a new Knight Rider movie. Ewww.
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