Sometimes the world tells me that everything isn't about me. Sometimes the world is a liar. Last night I Googled myself. There were a bunch of imposters doing really cool things, and somewhere on page 3, there I was doing nothing at all. Not bad. There were 3 pages of people to elimin-"Have accidents" but I have a printer and lots of time. I could work that out.
While I was Googling, I checked images. I was disappointed to not see my face smiling back at me, but I was pleased to acknowledge that all those smiling Robert Boyds were fully clothed. I could find dignity in that.
Narcissus. Why didn't he get a holiday? I mean that little cherub guy Cupid got one. What gives there? I guess Narcissus got Los Angeles. Ok, fair trade.
Bored with my Google self, I decided to see what other bloggers were saying about me. Do you know that they weren't talking about me at all? Harumph! Lot's of them were talking about Valentines day though. Sigh…always with this Cupid Kid.
Fine, color me a fuchsia dyed in the wool sheep with a shaven heart and arrow spot. I'll advertise your little holiday, but I'm not going to participate. I'm an independent sheep and I bleat for no man!
BAAAAA!
Reaching out in spirit, I Googled St. Valentine. Did you know there were 3 of them? We don't even know which one we're celebrating here! St. Hallmark would have you believe that St. Valentine is the patron saint of papercuts and envelope glue. Somewhere, a long time ago, in a small village lived a lonely pious woman. Her sorrow was so great that all the village children wept at the sight of her. In most villages this wouldn't be a problem, but in our made up village, Lonely Woman was the local schoolmarm. Weepy children leaned no joy, and became sniveling adults. The towns tourist trade went belly up. One day, a radiant knight rode through bearing gifts of plush nick-nacks and candy love quotes. "Be Mine," the newly knighted St. Valentine begged, pledging undying love and Zoloft year round if the woman would "Say Yes." The woman was so moved that her tears dried up, and the children began to smile and learn. Among her first interns of joy were St. Hallmark, St. Godiva, St. Pinot Noir, St. Viagra, and St. 1-800-Flowers.com, and they all fed off the people of the land, living happily ever after. The end.
Yeah, whatever. Here's the thing. Last year, I went all out on Valentine's Day. I bought a card, roses, candy, balloons, and I even think I did a stuffed bear (er-uh, bought one, sorry no fluffy bears were molested in the making of my Valentine's Day.). I know I made dinner, and I don't do that often, so that meant the day was special. I wasn't overly romantic, but MyUnwife was being distant. I didn't want to encroach her space. I watch football, there are some serious penalties for encroaching.
I had considered one option: MyUnwife had a thing for a particular scene from Jarhead. I'm not going into the details, but lets just say, I did look online for one of those T-shirts with muscles drawn on it. I figured I could greet her when she came home wearing that and a Santa hat. Yeah, I stuck with the dinner instead. My ego wouldn't have survived the floor-rolling belly laughter.
"It's supposed to be sexy!"
Laughter. "Oh, it is. It i-I can't breathe!" more laughter.
Outro Sullen Rob walking away, hands in pockets. Sad Charlie Brown piano music playing him off set.
It was the next weekend that we had what everybody else so politely calls "the talk." Yeah talk. Whatever. So as you can guess, Valentine's Day holds a special place in my heart. Deep within the cockles is a cherub lashed to a spit, apple in mouth, spiked with cloves, bow and arrow lying safely to the side where they can do no harm. The trick to roasting Cherub, is keeping the wings out of the fire. I find raising the spit, and lowering the flames works wonders….
A lot of divorced people are asking what to do this Valentine's Day. I don't know, I'm glazed by the glow of my own fire. I think if your in a new relationship, you celebrate it with all the gusto your heart holds. You know what it's like to live in a failing relationship. Celebrate your success. Treat your new other like the treasure they are.
Me? I'm sitting this one out. I used to do lots for MyUnwife, this year I won't. This year I'm gonna treat myself right. I'll make me dinner, pour me a nice wine. You know, treat me right. I'll set up some mood lighting, serenade me, and make sure I know that I'm really special, and not in a padded cell kind of way.
If you're alone, you should do the same. Take Steven Stills advice, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with." Well, wait. Maybe I'm not saying that. But you should treat yourself. You've been with you through all the hard times, and you deserve to be honored. So do what I do, go home and Google yourself. It'll make you feel good.
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