Last night, I'm working and watching TV. The writers' strike is really getting on my nerves: now even shows like the Biggest Loser are looking like tasty vittles. How many times can I watch a CSI rerun before I start mouthing back dialogue like a Rocky Horror devotee?
Damnit Katherine you're a—
Ok, maybe one too many metaphors in the batter.
I flip the channel to Fox, and they're doing the Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? When my ego is a little inflated, I'll flip here to see all the things I've forgotten over the years. It usually brings be back down to where I should be. Last night they had some sorority sister on who's just like all the sorority sisters in my favorite horror movies, except with clothes. I'm thinking she should just admit that kindergartners have her beat, and go home. This girl is chum.
"Beta Alpha Rho Beta Iota Epsilon! Yea!"
Click.
TNT is showing Without a Trace. It's ok. Some bride-to-be has gone missing. I'm also drinking beer, so my first thought is, "Lucky guy." But then they go looking for her. What's up with that? I'm ten minutes in, and I already want to change the channel.
A Sprite commercial comes on. "Obey your thirst."
Ok.
Click.
Somebody's showing an X-files rerun. Moulder's trying to figure out what happened to his sister still. Oh look, sexual tension with Scully, going nowhere. Plot circles and theme mutilation. A concentric conspiracy of writers leading from one dead end to another. That's nice. Yawn.
Speaking of such things, did I mention MyUnwife watches Jericho? Is that grounds to have her committed? I only watched because it was on, she was the initiator. We never missed an episode. Maybe I'll watch it this season, but it's only for her. It's part of our settlement. I watch Jericho, she watches pretty much whatever she wants.
Sigh.."Nuts."
My movie choices look like Dukes of Hazzard on Spike, and Men are Bastards! On Lifetime. Don't remember that last one? Yeah, check the listing, it's pretty much always on. I think it's simulcast on Oxygen if you need to catch it there. The sequel is coming out later this year, "MAB II: I Found the One Good One!" Yeah it stars The guy who played Aiden on Sex and the City, and Nancy McKeon. I'll shut up now; I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise ending.
Click
"Did I do that?"
Click
Fine! Without a Trace it is.
I haven't missed too much in my search for the perfect programming. The girl is still missing. The groom is still grieving, and the FBI team is still searching. If you're thinking the husband did it but is hiding behind buckets of crocodile tears, I'll tell you now: he didn't. He isn't. His tears are real. In fact he's such a good guy that he may be bumping Aiden off of Lifetime next season. He's got me beat. Hell, even the dogged leader of the Without a Trace team has me beat. Here let me prove it to you. I'll replay a short dialogue exchange. I don't really remember it verbatim, so I've paraphrased it a bit:
Hapless Underling: Dude! Marriage? Whassup with that? You can't be serious!
Fearless Leader: Da! Da! I beeleete int eet.
Hapless Underling: No Way!
Fearless Leader: "Da! Eetz goot! Marriage, keeds, whole 900 meters.
Hapless Underling: Dude! No [pause, count 10] Way! Even with like, your past?
Fearless Leader: Da! I beeleete! I neever sait I vaz goot at eet. Now go geet Mouse ant Squirrel!
I wanted to change the channel again. Not because of the bad acting; that was all in my head. No it was something more serious. Despite all the crap I've seen, I still believe in marriage too. I wouldn't admit that in a public forum, but I do. And yeah, I buy the whole 900 yards.
I neever sait I vaz goot at eet.
What if I'm not? What if I'm the Men are Bastards! poster-uh...man? Is the world better off if I just become that crotchety old man at the end of the blog, huddled away in his cyber hermitage?
"Get off of my Post you little so-n-so!"
I don't know. "Once bitten…" and all that. Oh, I don't doubt there are good women out there. Lifetime assures me there are plenty. But me? Am I good? I'd like to think so, but what if I'm just Mulder, chasing my tail, or somebody else's? Does the world really need another Fox to do that?
So I've been watching me. Rerunning everything since my writers haven't written anything new. I don't think I am that bad. Am I blaming MyUnwife? Naw. It was an ensemble cast, we both played our roles. I think I was cuter, but that's just me. I don't think I have enough information to answer the question correctly. I think I'll be ready soon though. And when I am, I think I'm taking Fearless Leader's advice:
"Now go geet Mouse ant Squirrel!"
I'm not really sure what he means, but I figure it's worth a try. It beats my past episodes.
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