Rugburns and rhetoric. That's how I would describe this Valentines day. You know what? For a secular holiday honoring America's commercialism, and disposable trinket culture, this VD is about as welcome and garish Grandma's Elvis shrine.
"GAAH! Grandma! What's that?"
"It's a porcelain cast of his naked pelvis. Commissioned by the Franklin Mint dontchaknow."
Apparently my Grandmother is from Wisconsin. I never knew.
My distaste has nothing to do with being divorced, or being alone, but I would so like to thank the entire blogging community for reminding me of these things. Why it was just 2 days ago, in my confusion, I thought I was happy!
"Hey Rob, we're the Honorary Unified Bailiwick-Bloggers Upsetting Bloggers. We wanted to remind you that today is Valentine's Day."
"Yeah, so?"
"Well, you're alone."
"I know."
"It's Valentine's Day."
"I got that."
"You're alone."
"Got that too."
"Here. Look at these puppies. Know why they're cute?"
"No."
"They're not alone."
"I see."
"You're alone."
"Yeah."
"Here, have a chocolate heart. Lonely people like chocolate."
"Thanks, but I'm not lonely."
"Of course you're not. Lonely people always say that."
"I'm no-"
Here. Have a Kay's Jewelers brochure. Look happy couples. You're not one of those are you?"
"No."
"Sucks to be alone huh?
"If only I could be so lucky."
"What does that mean? Know what today is…"
Can we just sweep up all this Valentie's crap and throw it on one page, something like www.DoYouFeelLikeAPatheticLoserYet.com? Don't click that. I know you want to, but don't.
Sigh…
Fine, go ahead. Just another holiday scab for you to pick at. Didn't go anywhere, did it? Neither does all this Valentine's crap. How could we manage to take a simple gift card footnote and turn it into a 2 week death march? It's all anybody talks about. I swear, if you check your history books, you'll find VD is what led to the siege at the Alamo. Santa Anna declared that Mexico was not satisfied with America's "Be Mine" greeting policy. It may also be why in February 1861 Texas voted to succeed from The Union. "We will not participate in this cardstock confederacy."
Me, I live in California. My state embraces all things VD. It's the only day you'll flock to films you've avoided like a case of the crabs 364 other days this year. LA needs money! For the love of all that's holy, go! Watch Fool's Gold! A more appropriate title for the holiday propaganda does not exist!
See, here's the thing. I know you either love or hate Valentines Day. I get that. But it's just like your cousin in Kissimmee, if you keep pointing at him, he's not going to go away. IGNORE HIM! I don't care how many "Pick Me!" boogers he flings. Let it go.
Now I'm leaping on this bandwagon as it rolls past, and I thank you. I didn't want to be part of this tirade parade. This honorary holiday was thrust upon me by some kung-fu cupidistas. Now, let's just endure it till it's over. Come midnight, it's over. Next holiday: Easter. Can I spend that one alone in peace please?
"Excuse me, I'm part of the Easter Bunny Battalion..."
Sigh...It's gonna be a long year.
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