An aside. It's a theatrical, or sometimes literary tool. In the theater it's an actor taking a moment from his tragic life to talk to the audience. He drinks a whiskey drink and says something like "Can you believe my lead actress? I mean she's easy to look at, but what a prima donna!"
In literature, the author brakes from his story for a page or a chapter or two to make you believe you're an insider. Really it's just a ploy and something he tells his agent to raise his word count to keep her happy. I'm telling you, you can't trust writers. They'll say anything to make you read. If I were a writers, we wouldn't be able to talk like this. Luckily for you, I'm just a guy. I'm just like you (unless you're not a guy, then neither am I). I like this thing we share; this personal moment where I can bring you into my world. I can really relate to how you feel...
If you have friends having marital differences, it's what you don't want to choose: a side. That's why I stood silently as my friend began talking.
"You know she's not living with me right now don't you."
I shook my head, trying to jar an appropriate answer from the shelf. "No, I didn't." seemed safe enough.
"Yeah, she's staying with her sister in San Diego."
I nod. I don't know his wife. I only know him, and he's a nice guy. Still, I don't know the facts. He continues to talk like whatever the problem is, it's her fault, but he still doesn't tell me what that problem is. I don't ask.
It's not my place. I've learned that. I love to help friends with their crises and their relationships, but sometimes that means standing on the outside, and listening at the door. Ok, bad analogy, because it's better if they know I'm there. Otherwise, who does it help? So I'm not at the door. I'm following them around like a stalker. Every time they stop for breath I "Uh huh." It's not nearly as creepy as it sounds, in fact I've heard my chin stubble on the neck can be quite soothing. Ok, I've never heard that, but I'm sure it does something inspirational for somebody.
"We're going to counseling. I talked her into that."
Nod.
Ok, now I do more than nod. "Does she want to be there? Cuz unless you're both into it, it ain't gonna help." Some things are helpful without picking sides.
"Oh, yeah. She want's to be there. Definitely."
I don't believe him, but I "ok" him. You don't call a friend a liar. It wears on the relationship. Especially if I don't have proof that he's lying. If she doesn't want to be in counseling he'll figure it out pretty quick.
This is an aside moment for him. I am his audience, and I'm waiting for him to tell me about the prima donna. Within moments he says it. Not the same words, but he's there. I don't even nod. I listen. It's what I've learned from my own marriage and divorce. Outsiders are only an audience, even if they are invited.
I need to be that audience. The guy who's pulled me aside was really there for me during my divorce. I rarely confided in him, but I'm not much of an aside guy (I trust you know what I mean). I like to know that there's somebody there, out in the audience. I'd even like to bring them up on stage, but chances are I'm not going to ask them to recite any rehearsed lines.
"I know how you feel."
No, you don't, but thanks. Have you met me? I'm Rob. I'll be your strutter and fretter this evening. Only I know how I feel.
"I know how you feel."
Whatever.
I don't want to be that for my friend. So he talks I listen. It's what I've learned: to try and be a good audience. It's a shame I had to go through a divorce to learn this, but for my friends sake, I guess it's ok. I can't really think about that. I'm the audience, and this is his opening. When he's done, he bows. I clap his back. He leaves the stage. I don't know what happens next; I only see the curtain close, and then I'm set aside again.
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