"I don't want my feelings restrained…"-Scorpions

"In one corner wearing He-Man boxers and a smile…"

That's right, today we're gonna skip ahead to the "beat down in the courtroom!" I'll come back to the cooperative effort later. I think I want to show the opposite extreme first. Just think of this as the Friday Night Fights blog. Today, I'm I traditionalist. Today I'll discuss what you can expect from a traditional divorce.

But Rob, you had a friendly divorce? How can you know about a traditional divorce?

Ah, dear reader, how can any of us know unless we've stared into the gaping maw ourselves? I can only tell you what friends and family have told me. Which isn't much Nobody returns and talks about the gaping maw, not without lots of liquor and a bottomless bowl of salty snacks. Lucky for me, I have a hot and cold running keg and a whole lotta nuts.

I also have a good friend who went through the traditional divorce. He enjoyed it so much the first time, he came back for the second. Yeah, poor guy. He's a good Christian, he really is, but for a while he was poured through the Biblical yellow pages in the Bible-back for God's direct smite line.

"Cavemen had it right."

"how?"

"Club her."

"Oh, you don't mean that."

"Shutup and pass the cashews."

Yeah, he was a ray of sunshine for a while. He's getting better, he doesn't growl anymore. He turned to the dark side because his wife signed no mutations treaty and unloaded with every Jedi mind trick she could fit in a blaster barrel.

I know, you're saying, "but Rob, blasters shoot energy beams You don't load—"

Shutup and read. You're taking my Star Wars metaphors too literally. I know less about light sabers and clone wars than I do about divorce. Ok, that's a lie. Whatever, pass me the cashews.

See and that's how most of them turn out. It's even worse because too many divorce lawyers are chum-frenzied.

"Gonna need a bigger boat."

"I can get you one, all you need to do is sign here, sue here, oh and pee in her mailbox here."

It's dark ugly and costly. Especially if she's rigged an electrical current to the mailbox. I speak from experience. It's shark infested waters, and usually the only person who swims out with all appendages is the one who navigates the water daily: the lawyer. Unless you can score some "Shark-Off" or strike some kind of treaty, neither one of you will leave happy. Which in some divorces, is exactly the part that makes both parties happy.

See, the traditional divorce is like putting 2 hurt tigers in a room and saying "Play nice." Then you add a few guys with whips and chairs and $300 briefcases to lash them into a frenzy, and now you've got a divorce circus.

This is also the most expensive approach. According to national statistics I've just pulled out of my butt, the average divorce costs about $17,000 per person. Now understand, there are some extreme celebrity divorces spiking the curve, but you get the idea. Every time you have to step into a courtroom, the cost wheel whips around like Pat and Vanna prop on turbo drive.

"Oh, bankruptcy! I'm sorry."

Not all Divorces have to be that way, but it takes restraint. Do you have restraint, or do you microwave a Ken Doll effigy every night when you get home from work? Restraint is probably the last thing you want to show. Like the tiger's torn flesh, it's seen as a weakness; our instinct is to fight with all we have. Sometimes you just have to numb yourself through it. Remind yourself it will be over soon. When you separate and fall back into your perspective corner, listen to your coach as he squeezes the water bottle of Hershey's syrup in your mouth. Eucalyptus and aloe your cuts and broses, and inhale the coconut/vanilla smelling salts. Rest up for the next round. It's going to suck worse. While you pull yourself together, think of what you want to take with you. Try to keep pride and dignity high on that list, even though in order to keep them you may have to show a little forgiveness and humility.

"Shake hands…"

Now that's the spirit.