"The plan means nothing stays the same…"-Built To Spill

Rob's life is at a lull.

Lucky for you, you're here to catch it! My lull is your gain. Why? Well for once, I'm done talking about me. Let's take a moment to talk about you.

…

Ok, lull over. Back to me. Don't you feel better? Send me a self addressed stamped envelope and I'll give you one free back-pat to go with that. I'm all about you.

Yeah, the picture get's clearer every day why MyUnwife left doesn't it? That's ok. She doesn't get the free back-pat, you do. That's because you're special. That's why today I thought I'd break into one of the fundamental concepts of divorce: the "How?" concept.

That's right. Don't everybody thank me at once. Just think of me as the all-powerful benevolent Oz-Rob. I am only here to pass down what I know to you. Lucky you.

Really there are 3 approaches to getting a divorce: "Friendly" which includes filing yourself; "Collaborative" allows you to be combative but your lawyers have to be friendly; Then there's Global Thermal Nuclear War: A free for all no holds barred battle royalle of cliché, spite, and malice. Whoever can eviscerate their opponents and watch them bleed assets first, wins.

Shall we play a game?

I don't think it's a surprise that MyUnwife and I went for the "friendly divorce." We're actually too afraid of each other to do it any other way. We both saw War of the Roses as a training video followed by a group discussion.

"She should have hired a gang of South American Guerillas to kidnap him."

"Really?"

"Yeah, that way when his bullet riddled body floated in on the surf, nobody would have suspected a thing."

See? Oh, don't think that just because I used her example, that I'm all puppies and flowers. I'm still waiting for her to start her car. I probably shouldn't have said that out loud, huh? Well…let's just say that of course I'm kidding, but only if she actually turns the key…

No, The friendly divorce is meant to avoid that. It's also the cheapest option. Cooperation may loose you street-cred but it will save you Mastercard cred. And in the long run, that's priceless.

Which route should you take? Take my simple test.

Sit in a room with your spouse and try talking. For safety reasons, I recommend you remove all sharp objects first. If you make it 15 minutes, then it's a good start. Now, dump a box of wooden blocks on the floor. Each block a different color with a cool picture: a favorite toy, a friendly animal, or a favorite cartoon character raised out of one wood side. On the other a number or a letter, something cool. You'll see some you like. I'm sure you spouse will too.

Take turns taking blocks. What happened? Did you take the blocks you wanted first, or just grab the ones you thought he might want instead? When he took one you wanted, did you dive in and grab the rest so he couldn't have any? If you answered yes, then the "friendly" divorce probably isn't for you. Was somebody able to break into the room and pull you apart? Yes? Then maybe collaborative divorce will work for you. If your soon to be ex is spinning on a spit with the house, the car, and the home-wrecking tramp blocks wedged into his mouth, then go ahead and call a lawyer now.

See now wasn't that easy? Great. Tomorrow I'll Explain the Friendly Divorce Process. In the mean time, go pull him off the spit. A lawyer would agree that it will help your case in the long run, no matter how good he looks up there. A helpful tip: Remember to brush away any finger prints. When he comes to, explain that you're not sure what happened yourself, but thank him for saving you from that runaway gorilla who broke into the room. It's the first step into a very dark wilderness.