"So it fell down again?"
"What's it look like to you, ya freakin' idiot? If your brother in-law would put up the wall he promised--with the bricks lying in his driveway for the past year--maybe it would stay up." Ok, I didn't say that. I just said, "yeah." I don't know if it was my 10 years in retail experience, or my 10 years in a serious relationship, but I'm getting better at holding my tongue.
He's making it a challenge, "That thing's always falling down."
"Yeah." I've dealt with people who want to know how much our free delivery costs. I can fake a smile here.
See, my neighbor's brother in-law lives in a trailer in my neighbor's back yard. I don't think he works; I think he just lives in a trailer. I wanna do that when I grow up. Right now I'm just a kid working to pay down a mortgage. Maybe when I grow up I can sit around the yard smoking all day too. Oh, good thing I stapled my tongue to my cheek.
"That part there is going to fall again."
"Thugh Cau!"
"You're welcome."
That's not what I said...
I tell myself that this interloper is none of my business; I just smile and wave. I mean if I break it down, other than trying to make stupid conversation when I'm kinda frustrated, he's actually been really nice to me.
He's not MyUnwife, he hasn't had to live with me; he doesn't know that cursing and throwing things means the same thing as the "do not disturb" sign pinned to my chest. He is persistent though. He says something else. Shame. I've got this steel pipe in my hand. I was gonna use it on the fence. Now I'm thinkin' "head on a pike" seems like a welcome springtime yard accessory. I've heard Martha Steward has them. She dresses them up with doilies, and dangles miniature wind chimes from the jagged neck chunks. I'm not sure my neighbor would complain; how long has that trailer been here?
No, I let it go quietly. Planted ornamental heads attract bugs. I don't need more of those.
My neighbor walks away, head still planted between his shoulders. You know what? I've had this fight before. During our 10 years, MyUnwife and I have played this one out at least once. One of us dressed up as a wool mouthed wolf, the other as Little Bo Peep. Both costumes fit; we'd both acted out both roles. They were interchangeable and equally matched: wolf with gnashing tooth and claw, Bo Peep with her crook of fury
Wham!
"Ow! That thing hurts!"
"Suck it up pussy-boy!"
Wham!
"OW!"
"Finish Him!"
"What the hell?"
Slipping the slats back onto the fence, I remembered an article I read. It said that if I were married to my neighbor's brother in-law, I was handling this all wrong. Well, not specifically the "married to neighbor's brother in-law" part. That was a different article, but you get my point. It's all about the communication. Actually it's all about three things. Communication is one. I should say something to him like, "You know what? I know you're trying to be friendly, but now is not a good time. Please give me a moment to vent on this fence with an ax, and then I'll get to you next."
Pretty easy. The article the says that the second step is to find ways to spend more time with my neighbor. Make sure he knows we're ok, or at least that I'm trying. "Hey neighbor, why don't we spend some time together tonight. I'll open a bottle of wine. We'll play some cards, maybe watch a game…what do you say?"
The final key to keeping things going with my neighbor is to make sure we're both sexually satisfied. "Hey neighbor? Want to see my new trailer lingerie?" Ok, so that ain't gonna happen. Now we're back to the head Jarts...
It did make me think about my marriage though. I replay those experiences often enough that everything reminds me of my marriage.. My mental projector shows it off the back of my skull like it's a home room chalk board. It's been playing so long that I even get the warble flicker and film jump. I really need a new show.
The article items are chalked onto the slate next to the movie flicker. I compare the 3 things to the actions beside them. We were perfect. We did everything wrong. Yup, we both shut down and internalized everything, check. We managed to avoid each other as much as humanly possible while living in the same house, check. Sex? He-he-he-heh…yeah, after last February, I think my neighbor's brother in-law had a better chance of luring the ladies to his camper of love while the kids played Marco Polo in the pool, than either one of us had of having sex with the person beside us in bed.
I may not be able to retrace our battle back to it's true origins, but I can pinpoint when each of these things happened for both of us. Those are the chalk outlines on the other side. Who was first? who was last? Does it matter? No matter which bricks you lay first, it still makes a wall. I think we both can agree we built one hell of a wall.
Yay team!
Don't get me wrong. I'm not propping this thing up again because I need to find a way to make it work. I'm propping this fence up so you can see what doesn't work. If you don't want your fence to look like mine, then don't do this. Next time I put up a wall, I'm going to get some help. We'll lay our bricks together. It won't be hers and mine, it'll be ours, and it'll be strong because we'll build it together. I've seen what doesn't work, now let's try something that does.
I guess this means that maybe I should work things out with my neighbor. I don't know how long until he pulls the blocks from underneath his homestead and rolls his RV off into the sunset. Now is the time to work on the 3 steps; Do you think he'd settle for a hug on item 3?
0 comments:
Post a Comment