"Breathe Damn You! Breathe!"
I think The Abyss is on or some appropriate clone. It's playing out, and my computer has stopped breathing. Yeah, it's the abyss alright. I trying to necessitate this lifeless paperweight with no luck. Reboot: That's what we do for the ones we love. My computer is always here for me. During the winters, she warms my toes, during the summer she blows cool exhaust in my face.
Right now there's no intake, no exhaust, just a bluescreen of death. I've been at this since 4am, I'm exhausted, but I'm not ready to call TOD yet.
"Somebody get me a Dominatrix! I need paddles and clamps stat!"
Oh…Okay...then not the dominatrix, get me the other paddles...
It started last night—or, technically stopped. I'd just finished an email to a friend, "I'm going to bed early tonight." I said. I lied. I sent the mail, then the computer screen turned blue and cold. It was jealous. My computer manipulated me for affection. It worked. Suddenly I really cared.
"NO!" I cried. I tried a reboot. The same blue screen appeared telling me about bad drivers and Windows locking up to protect itself.
The blue screen did offer some help. It said, "Try a reboot. If that doesn't fix your problem, contact your technical support department."
I am my technical support department…
"sucks to be you."
Backatcha, you blue bast--Sigh…
Sacrificing a chicken to the reboot gods, proved fruitless: my computer remained cold and distant. I'd spent hours trying to rebuild what was lost. It spent hours taunting me. Frustrated, I went to bed. I know. I know. All the books say, "Don't go to bed angry." but when she won't talk to me, what can I do? I've begged, I've apologized, I've even offered sex: nothing worked.
Ok, for the record, no sex was offered to my computer, but I'm working with a metaphor here. You do fine normally, why is it when I add sex to the metaphor you turn all literal on me and tune me out? Yeah, It's ok, I was married; I've been here too.
Alone, I can hardly sleep. What can I do? How can I bridge the electronic rift that's come between us? If she won't communicate her side of the problem, how can I resolve the problem? I'm a hero type-a resolver—I need to rescue the damsel and complete the quest.
This is where our hero despairs.
"You're only saying that because nobody has ever survived the Fire Swamps before."
-Princess Bride
The next morning I roll out of bed
"Ow!"
no better than the night before. Stumbling to the office, I stop just long enough to start the coffee pot, and check in on my computer. "how are you this morning. Did you get enough sleep? You're looking good." I butter her like a waffle.
She's not having it. "If the problem persists…"
I do get her on long enough to slip chocolates into the CD tray. She likes those. At least I think she does, they're gone when I open the tray. Maybe she's coming back around.
Unlike all my other relationships, my computer does offer an extra shot at regaining favor:
Safe Mode. That's right. I can try talking with her without all those irritants loading up against me. I tried that last night, but nothing was safe then. Today is a new day, today she's willing to try a little soft persuasion.
"Safe" controls aren't GUI (pronounced "gooey" for those of you outside the technocrati. I know, there should be some analogy here, but I'm already sitting atop this driverless metaphor train, you'll have to find your own. Check the fridge.). Without GUI I don't get "point and curse" controls. I have to be patient. I have to spell everything out. Spelling and patience are not my strong suits. Still, she sees I'm trying and so she tries a bit herself.
Hours of talking through diagnostics reveals the problem: She's got a bad memory bit on her disk. I apologize, and show her how I remember things. There are tears, and she spits out the chocolates at some point, but we're finally communicating. We're working together to fix the problem.
We're approaching stable. We're not the same, both of us have changed through the process, but I think we'll be fine. If only my real world relationships were this successful. I so need to get me a girl robot with a safe mode! One who likes long walks and short paddles. Until then it's me and my temperamental computer. Oh, and now a jealous dog too. He wants to pee on the computer. If jerky-bits don't appease him I don't know what to do. He gets weird when I search for his "reboot" button.
Without a "U," There's no computing!If you add "me" you can compete though...
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