"If I could do things different, what would I choose…"-Coheed and Cambria

A DEA agent?

Wha?

That's what the guy at the propane store asked me. "Do you work for the DEA?"

What about the short chubby guy in glasses says "I'm a supercop?" Maybe it's the way my belly sneaks up on my belt, or perhaps it's my new morning regimen. Every day I get up and create muscle shadows with a Sharpie pen. My indelible biceps are really quite amazing. Really.

I've also found that splashing my face with Karo syrup not gives me a youthful hammy glaze, but it also beads into an illusionary all day sweat. I only do that when I'm going out in public though. Special days. It's very sexy.

"Mommy, why are the humming birds swarming the sweaty fat guy?"

"I don't know honey, but let's just walk over here."

In the summer months I replace the

Karo with Molasses for a nice even tan.

Just a few Rob tips from me to you. Look for my latest line of Healthcare products at Macy's. They'll be right next to the Amy Winehouse tools for clean living.

A DEA agent?

Maybe it's the Photogray lenses. They turn black out in the sun. It means you can't see the dazed look in my eyes when you say something like "Rob, I think you're a stud."

Marlon Perkins can tell you, the easiest way to capture a wild Rob is to compliment it.

"You're skin tone matches my Elmer's Glue blot."

"uh, uh, uh…."

Out come the tranquilizer pistols, and the GPS implants. Thunk! I'm done for. That's not how MyUnwife captured me, but it does work. So do bottomless eyes. MyUnwife didn't take that road either, but her eyes were cool. No, she took the difficult road: She held a long conversation with me. Most people get bored. She stayed. For the rest of you, the bag and tag method is probably the best approach. No time, no investment. It's what waitresses use to assure a good tip.

"I've never seen anybody eat that much food? How'd you get it all down?"

"Awwww."

Thunk!

See? I don't know what it is. I don't take compliments well. It's something I try to work on, but I still get flustered. I mean there are some things that I'm good at.

"You have a great voice."

"Thanks, I know."

I do know. It's simple. It's true, I can deal. There's something about accepting compliments though. I don't usually see them as true, and as weird as it may sound, that was one of the few things about the divorce was sort of my stable rock in the rising waters: It just fortified the foundation of my self image.

I saw a comic in the paper once. It showed a couple at the alter and the pastor said, "You are no longer your own worst critic." It was funny, but I'm not sure that it was ever true. I mean it's not like MyUnwife didn't try. She could criticize with the best of them. I never told her that. I guess I'm not any better at handing out compliments than I am at accepting them.

Anyway, when she said things like "…all your faults," I got upset. Not because she thinks I have them, but she's not specifying the ones that she hates the most. I need to know the flaws that aren't holding up their end of the bargain. I need perfect them to a harrowing edge like the point of my black muscle Sharpie.

"So would you say it's my underwear on the floor?"

"No, that's annoying but there's something more."

"how about when I leave dishes in the sink?"

"No."

"My weak coffee?"

"No."

"Annoying laugh?"

"No."

"Andy Gibb Fixation?"

"A little. Would you let it go?"

"let what go?"

"That's annoying as hell."

"What?"

"That!"

"I don't get it.'
"You do. That's annoying. Get out!"

"But.."

Thunk! Smacked with the frying pan of discontent. Thank god I remembered the Karo glaze.

I don't know, and I still don't know why the guy asked me if I was a DEA agent. I really don't know if he meant it as a compliment or not, but I chose to see it that way, probably because it reflected off my own insecurities.

No, that's not really right. I think it reflected the things that I've been trying to change about myself. It made me feel more self confident, more assertive. Maybe it's time to put down the Sharpie needle and the Karo bottle and back away slowly. I'm naturally a better person than I give myself credit for. It's probably time I let other people decide that for themselves.