I woke with a song in my heart and a tingle in my gut. I tried rolling over. The song didn't mind, but the tingle informed me that that wasn't a good idea. It jumped past twinge and went straight for knitting needle jab.
"OW!" That's what I said.
"OW!" confirmed my abs.
Was it the flaming smurf ab goo? I lifted the sheet to check. No, this was a different flambé; this burning was inside, under the flesh.
"OW!" I repeated because it seemed appropriate.
"OW!" repeated my abs cuz they had nothing better to do.
This was the, "uhm I don't like to do more than desk chair exercises" pain cry of a lazy bastard. I hear it frequently, but usually it's not much more than a yawn. Today it's a scream werewolf begging me to put down the silver spade.
"Seriously, put it away, I was just hunting gophers!"
"Oh ok…"
I don't know. All I know is that my abs did not agree with me getting up this morning. It's because I've switched my workout schedule and added more ab stuff. They’ve been reading communist manifestoes about shared labor and they're revolting. Yeah, you can take that revolting thing however you want to. It works.
Still it's kind of a big step for me--the switching up thing. I'm trying something different. As a control freak/ creature of habit, switching up the organized chaos is like a sign of the apocalypse. I don't like change, yet here I am forcing myself into it.
I'm also playing with my Wii. Yes, please pay attention to my spelling, thank you very much. Some of the Wii Fit exercises are tough. They work on balance and core. Two things that were removed at birth so that they could fit in my big personality.
So these things are supposedly making things better. That's my mantra as I'm clutching the sides of the mattress, pulling myself to the floor. The abs are on strike; I flop to the floor like a fish in a boat. My legs kick around. They're fine with the day.
"We're sorry. We'd carry you Rob, honestly we would, but the abs are between us. We can't do anything more than tantrum kick without their permission, and right now they're spouting rhetoric."
"Well, I could use a good tantrum kick about now. I never got the one from after the Divorce."
"You've got one now, Rob!" They begin pounding the floor with all their might. I'm not finding the joy in this that I wanted. The legs kick harder. "Thanks guys, you can stop now."
"You've got it, Rob!"
Man they're happy feet today.
When the legs are done, I beg the abs to work with me today. I tell them I'd get on my hands and knees, but they won't let me. They relent enough to allow for that. Once there, I remind them the one thing they do want: Food. I explain how we can take care of that, but they have to cooperate.
"Rob, why don't we have a maid and a cook?"
"I don't know abs. After we go eat, and workout, maybe we can find one."
"Workout?"
"Yeah, you know--"
"I can't allow that Rob."
Great, my abdominal muscles are run by a computer from an Arthur C. Clark short story.
Still I do as I do in all my relationship. I compromise. I give in when I need to. I could fight this, but it's not that important. I'll allow the body a day off, but we'll start again tomorrow. They all agree to that. See, it's like all relationships. Sometimes you have to give a little to make it work. Of course there are those times when you give and it doesn't work. I'm not going to worry about that now. My abs won't let me. The are explaining how the eye lids don' seem to be holding their weight in the body community though.
This may be a long day.
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