Recently I received a dear Rob letter. It started, as you might expect, "Dear Rob…" before going on. Honestly, that's a more promising start than a "dear John" letter. It's really kind of like a "dear Abby." Well, it's a little dear different from dear Abby because Dear Abby was a know-it-all. Rob...well...no. Rob's more of an experiential guru.
"Does this hurt, Rob?"
"Oh, yeah. Quite a bit really."
People ask me things because I'm either going through what they're going through or I've been there already and can guide them around the suspicious sushi at the endless buffet. It's thankless, but If I can get one person to stand still for 5 minutes e while I whine about how much I give, and yet remain unloved, then that makes the whole thing worth while.
I am a giver.
That's why I read the "Dear Rob," cuz I care. I'll share it with you because it fits the theme of today's blog. I've edited the letter just a bit, because dear readers can be wordy writers, but I've left the juicy--uhm, important stuff. Ok, here goes.
Dear Rob,
I don't know what to do! I'm being swallowed my future and spit out by my past. I want to move on, but the paralyzing doubt freezes me. I need to figure out how in the world I can re-enter the dating pool and even (gasp!) actually have sex with someone not my STBX.
I don't do MS or Facebook or any of those sites because the lack of anonymity and boundaries scares me. In my work, I hear too many horror stories of people losing their jobs because of crap they put up on MS, etc., so I avoid social networks. I prefer sites with the anonymity of the headless pasty avatar. The thought that a letter I wrote in the strictest of confidence to a friend winding up on the internet as part of some self absorbed jerk's post, scares me.
A male friend who's already divorced has told me that I will overcome my fear, eventually develop new relationships and even (gasp!) enjoy good sex again. Right now, that's looking pretty unlikely. Is it easier for men? It doesn't seem to be. I'm interested in the perspective from the other side, though.
Rob, I guess my question is not so much about sex as about moving on and starting new relationships. Is this easier for men after a divorce? Anecdotally it seems not.
Shameful secret time - I did a quick and dirty search on Match.com the other night, more out of curiosity than anything else. All the men in what I'd consider the appropriate age range for me (35-45) are looking for someone aged 30 or younger. I pointed this out to my divorced male friend (DMF for short) and noted that this didn't seem promising for a long term relationship. He was quick to respond that most people on Match.com aren't really looking for the long term, but the who's available right now. Not encouraging, I have to say. :-(
What do I do Rob? My life is a shambles and you are my only hope. You are the last bastion of sanity in a crazy world. Save me Rob, Save me!
Signed,
Lost without a Rob-light
I'd like to take this space to reply. Sorry you other 3 readers. There's obviously someone in need of Rob's glow.
Dear Lost,
I'm over here! I've got my grill lighter flicked on so you can see the Rob Light. See It? Great. Let's talk.
Thanks for writing. I know you have problems, and that really sucks. Unfortunately this space is about Rob, and Rob problems. In the future if you could remember that, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Still, your story is sad, and it's touched my heartstrings. So I will do my best to help you out. First off, you mention "(gasp!) having good sex." I think the gasp is key, or even a moan if you're inclined,; start there. After that, you start leaving my field of knowledge. Still, I'm here to help. Although I've never experienced these problems you speak of, I'll tell you what my friend, uhm...Bor told me.
"Tell Lost it's ok. We all go through this on some level." Well Bor is obviously either a drunk or a liar. I'm sorry. I don't go through that. Maybe he's talking about just women. You should probably watch what he says. He says a lot. He continues, "When you're in a long relationship, you're not used to dating. If you are, then that's another problem. I'll assume you're not. I'll bet you've come out of the relationship alone, panicked, and afraid. People tend to fall into two groups. Those who leap immediately back into the pool because they're too afraid they won't last without the water's touch, and those who choose to sit in the deck chair and watch, afraid to find the water's still too cold, despite the bubbles and floating lobsters.
"You sound like a deck chair kind o' gal. That's fine. It's normal, and it's natural for now. Don't worry. See the magazine to your left? Go ahead and read it. Do the puzzles. Figure out who you are again. Ogle the cabana boys. Try to figure out who they are without their towels. That's what they're here for. Maybe later, you'll decide to grab somebody and go swimming, or somebody will pick you up, hold you in his arms and dive into the pool for some splashy, splashy fun.
"The important thing is to stick with what you like. If bars, clubs or online dating sites (oh my!) aren't your scene, don't go. You're only going to find people who enjoy those places there. Go with what you like. You mentioned you like skinning catfish with your teeth. Go to a place with people who enjoy that. You don't need to date, just hang out. Maybe a guy will come in with a huge catfish, admire your talents and take you to his catfish farm in the country where you'll live happily ever after. Maybe he won't, but who cares? Taking this time to learn what you like, is all the fun. Find your fun then stick with it.
"Me, I like writing. I lead a writer's group. It's my social outlet. Right now, there's nobody there to date, but that's ok. Maybe my Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte will show up and lead me away from this blogs life. Then again maybe she won't. The point is, even if she doesn't I'm having fun being Ro-er uh--Bor."
I hope that helps, Lost. That Bor can be a little "Gushy" for my tastes. He also says that guys do feel the same way. He says that guys have the added pressure of having to make the first move too. "We're expected to be chivalrous knights. Coming out of a divorce, we're little more than scared peasants. Just once it would be nice for a woman to tell me what she wants and it not end with the word 'divorce.'"
See? I told you. Bor's a wuss. Still, he seems more in line with what you need, Lost so I'll leave his answer to cover your question. And that's the glimmer from Rob's light.
Sincerely,
Rob
Beacon to the world.
And that's how I responded. Sorry to take up all that space for one person, but it's what I do. If you have a problem or a need I can hinder or assail, feel free to send an email. I'll keep your words in strictest confidence. I always do.
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