Every superhero has an archnemisis.
Smurfs, Gargamell.
Thundercats, Mum-ra.
Gumby, The Blockheads
It's everywhere. Even ant's fight off the dreaded "Shoe." It's a dramatic device as basic as the pen and paper. No conflict, no drama. Lucky for you, my life is filled with the stuff of pen and paper. I have daily conflicts. I can share the drama.
So who is the Gumby to my Blockhead? For those of you who've met me or have read my blog since before Jar-Jar ruined the whole thing, you know the answer--Stay quiet, let the new kids answer. Nobody likes a showoff.
MyEx? No, she was a plot device, but more of a jab and twist motion. No, she's more like the time the Joker brainwashed Robin. Robin really wasn't the enemy. Neither is MyEx, Her character just wanted to start her own series with villains all her own. We call those characters prima donnas, not villains. Of course now that I've said that, I think I'm just created a new enemy.
"Funny, I didn't keep the toaster in the shower before…"
No, my arch rival is the inanimate. That's right, if it doesn't have a brain, soul or will to survive, it has an innate Rob-hate. I say I first noticed this rivalry when the barb wire fence tripped me as a little kid, but I'm sure it can be traced back to the family cat. Oh yes, cats rule the inanimate world: they don't have a brain or soul. They do have an incredible will though, and that explains plenty.
Yes, the inanimate hate me. 4 way retail racks reach out and rend my clothing, clothes hangers tangle to thwart my hanging efforts. Sometimes things gang up on me. Sometimes It's just one monster, ready to destroy. Yesterday, that monster was my computer. It all started while I was working. Doing my day job thing singing along….
"Hi ho! Hi ho!"
"Hi Rob how are you?"
"Oh good, thanks for asking."
That's when my computer struck. I clicked the shift and the "A" keys and my mailbox opened.
Wha?
I clicked shift again. Again, my mailbox opened. Now as a writer, I use the shift key a lot. As an insecure blogger, I don't use my mailbox much. It's always empty. My computer is just gloating over my weakness. It's found a chink in my id.
I shut off my work computer thinking it's a weird Hot key flash. My computer is older, it's about that time. After giving it a time out, I turn it back on. The screen comes up, I type my password, and then "return" and my computer goes into standby mode.
Wha?
I don't use standby mode, how do I get it out of this one Batman?
I reboot. Again I type my password. Again I hit return. Again, my computer goes into standby. Rather than do it again, I call my work tech.
They don't know, but they're willing to log into my work computer and check things out.
"I don't know, Rob. Let me look at it from here, Rob. I'll call you back when I'm done."
"Thanks."
While the tech has my work computer locked up, I go into my home computer. I have things to type. I hit shift to start a sentence and my mail opens.
Huh. Sure I may be slower than Keanu's Neo, but I'm seeing a common thread here. I use the same keyboard for both computers. What are the odds... Great. Now I'm waiting for Agent Smith to burst through my computer.
"I've got you now my pretty." Sorry, wrong villain. Still, I throw a glass of water on my computer to be sure. No I didn't what do you think, I'm an idiot? Probably shouldn't answer that. The toaster is still in my shower.
The reality is, if I had half a brain, I'd have tried using my home computer before I called my computer tech and let him lock me out of my work while he tries to find a problem in my computer that's all in my head.
I call him. To my surprise, he doesn't answer. Huh. His voicemail says he's busy, and I know what he's doing.
Now what? This is like dipping my Stretch Armstrong in liquid nitrogen. He doesn't stretch cuz he's broken. I don't work, cuz…yeah, me to.
I don't know how long the tech is going to try and find something. I can't drive out to replace the keyboard because I'm waiting for the tech to call me back, and he doesn't have my cell. I could leave that on his voice message, but go back up a few paragraphs where I compare myself to Keanu Reeves. Yeah, the thought never occurred to me.
"No, Way!"
Way, Rob. Way.
My computer is laughing it's diabolical laugh. In anger, I try an old tech trick of desperation while waiting for certain death. I beat my keyboard against my desk. My super human strength and will breaks it's control. The "control" key bits burst across my desk. That's not all I broke either. I can now use shift. "Return" is still broken, but now it just smiles and looks pretty like a sexy villain assistant. I run a few tests. For now, I'm only missing 4 F keys, and one return. I can still use the return by the number pad. I'm like The Enterprise at the end of every movie. Barely functional, but I'll survive to make a sequel.
"Try the shower Rob! Make toast!" Not now my beloved reader, there's good works to be done!
Now the tech calls, and we discuss my keyboard upgrade options.
"We can rebuild it, we have the technology."
"I'll go buy a new one, thanks anyway."
I hang up having conquered one battle. I am victorious, but wary. I don't have the strength to fight another enemy. The doorbell rings, I answer. It's the UPS guy. He's brought me my Wii. Now I've got to put that together.
I swear, I hear laughter coming from the box.
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