He tried to kick free. I watched him as the air bubbles burbled towards the surface. He kicked, but his leg was caught in the maw of a giant crocodile. The camera panned back so that you the viewer could be sure it was trapped too. See? Locked jaw, trapped leg. The other leg is a flurry of motion. Now let's cut back to a close up of the man's panicked face. See the wide eyes and the teeth gripping to his aerator? That's acting! That's panic.
The fact that the croc is dead isn't any consolation. You might as well offer him a 10 year's supply of Moped Turtle Wax, cuz lying on the bottom of the ocean trapped by a dead croc is just as appealing. Well maybe I would rather have the turtle wax. For this guy, it wasn't a choice.
A woman swims up to him. The first thing you notice is the nice bikini: very stylish, comfort fitting and TV-MA revealing. The second thing you notice is probably the first thing croc-boy sees: she's got a knife longer than her forearm. She points back to the man's locked leg with her free hand, makes a sawing gesture with her knife hand, then gives a thumbs up.
The man's eye are now about to pop out of his head in terror. No, this isn't his wife's divorce technique. This is a bad movie on The Sci-fi Network. Their vaults are apparently full of these buried treasures.
I work at home and I'm here to tell you, weekend TV doesn't get any better than this. If you want I can show you. I can turn to SPIKE, they're playing all the CSI reruns I might have missed last week or the week before when they ran the same marathon. Right now they're showing the episode where Warrick is divorcing his wife.
How now Brown's frau?
Yeah, good times. Oh, that's on too, but I think I've had all of the good time I need to see those reruns since the 1970's. Any episode I haven't seen yet, I'll never miss. Single mom, raising her kids, keepin' her head above water, making a wave when she can. Yeah, ain't she lucky she's got 'em? Sorry, this sounds like divorce TV to me and I don't get that channel. They want me to pay extra for that. I already paid extra for "divorce: the home game," No thanks.
Sorry, bad TV makes me cranky. I suppose I should get out and get a life, but I'm watching the guy kicking even harder at the dead croc now. The girls having a heck of a time getting the serrated blade to cut against his leg. The Ginsu ad five minutes ago said it would work here--even after she sawed a tin can. It doesn't seem to be living up to it's potential.
It goes to show, you can't buy all you see on TV. I mean sure, she's got a knife, and he's got a crocodile skin boot, but if she's got to cut it off at the ankle, the fit's too tight. He should be glad he didn't buy the matching QVC underwear.
See I don't really know what's worse here. The fact that I'm watching this now, or the fact that I've already seen it. It's all a rerun. I've seen everything that's on, and I'm ready for something new. Still, I'm watching the same ol' stuff play out.
I'm ready. It's not there. I need some excitement. Something fresh. I've tried watching other things. I think they're showing Dr. Who later. I used to like that, but I think they took that final step into oblivion when they introduced the logic levitator.
"What's a logic levitator, Dr.?"
"I'm glad you asked. It's a suspension device. We take everything you know about the world and how it works--there's science, math, history and many other big words you can't possibly understand, let alone pronounce--and we stick them on this device, like so. Then we turn it on and voila! All logic is outside of your reach like a refrigerator top cookie jar from a 3 year old. Now you don't know anything about gravity and such rot, and we're free to introduce plot twists like 'man comes from Pandas' and you won't know the difference."
Yeah. I was a persistent 3 year old. This is too much for me to swallow.
Pandas? Really? I had no idea. It explains how they trained the Kung-Fu guy to talk…
It's really the same thing Lifetime does with male/female relationships, there's just a sci-fi perspective.
See even the crappy TV hit's too close to home. It's all Whine and loss. Where's my Magnum PI? Even in rerun, he offered excitement. I do watch Three and a Half Men, but it gets kind of confusing. I remember John Cryer as Ducky, but now Ducky is an old British dude on NCIS? It's like a Tolstoy. I need character flow charts for my TV to figure out who's who. I guess that's one form of excitement: Switch up what you know, and make it new. Ok, it's not so much "new," but work with me I'm making lemonade TV here and all I have is the Turtle Wax powder.
I'm sitting in my office, working on reruns. I should get out, but I can't. I'm living vicariously through TV characters. I think that may be why I also like Burn Notice. It's my guilty pleasure. Spy show, with the guy who used to be in the Evil Dead movies. It's good to see he's survived. Oh, he's not the star of this show, but he is why I stay. Well him and the gun smuggling ex girlfriend. If I believe the storyline here, she gives me hope that there's a woman out there for me. The one on TV's name is Fiona. Yeah, I know. She'd kick my butt then kill me, but what a way to go. And it's definitely better than having your leg sawed from a crocodiles mouth. Which, if I believe TV, is my only other option.
See, I think that's one of the things that scares me. No not Fiona (ROWR!), but I worry about the reruns. I was part of the episodes once. The laugh-track was on cue, and I liked everything I saw and did. Still, the ending was abrupt and unfulfilling. I don't want to do another rerun. I want something new with promise--something with some follow through, but how do I know that's what I'm getting? How do I know I haven't set myself up for another Dr. Who episode of suspended belief and false expectations?
Sometimes I wish I could just turn it off and walk away, but I can't. It's who I am. Oh look! The Croc-boy's blood loss has drawn shark frenzy with bloodlusts. Yeah, he really should have gone with the Turtle Wax...
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