I'm makin' my list and checkin' it twice. It's an easy list. So who's on my Christmas list this year? Pretty much nobody. The good news is that on an empty list there's no "bad" column. It's all good. As Grinchy as it sounds: Everybody's getting cards. Oh, they'll be well meaning cards, filled with all the sincere love and wishes that Christmas can bestow in a 4x6 envelope, but beyond that, it's all glittery vapor, baby.
I'd go into the whole finances thing but at this point that’s as exciting as sitting through a tax seminar—twice. California mortgage, utilities for single family dwelling, stuff breaking, blah, blah, blah…no money. It won't come as much of a surprise for the usual recipients, in fact my sisters will probably be elated. For the past few years, MyUnwife and I gave my nieces "parent nightmare" gifts. You know, art sets, finger paints, musical instruments, noisy things, brilliant things, things with seizure inducing flashing lights and skull crushing cacophonies in a child safe package. Anything to stretch their mind, and make Mom and Dad weep. It's the least I could do. Isn't that what uncles are for?
This year: nothing.
"Uncle Rob sucks, Mom."
"No, this year he gave the gift of peace. God bless us all everyone…"
Running down my blank list, I thought about gifts MyUnwife gave me. One year, she gave me a wallet. Do you realize that in every relationship I've been in, the woman has always given me a wallet? What does that say? Even my high school girlfriend gave me a red Velcro thing. You remember those, right? Do they still make them? Anyway, I had one. She gave it to me.
Another interesting fact about those wallets: in every case, the wallet has lasted longer than the relationship. I don't know if that's a testament to the quality of cow who gave her hide, or to the sad truth of my love life. Then again, it could just say "Rob's too cheap to buy a new wallet." I'm sticking by the first option, thank you very much, miracle-cow. Although I could agree to blaming all my failed relationships on a wallet curse. That would be a great gift. "Hey none of this is anybody's fault, blame the wallet. There's a special pocket inside the billfold area for that."
Then the next time I'm in a relationship, and the woman gives me a wallet, I'll open it, smile into her eyes and slide it back to her. "No thanks, I love you more." Wouldn't that be awesome? Or maybe I don't. Maybe I really need the wallet. I could put all my belongings into it's folds, and walk the girl to the door with my arm across her shoulders. "It's been nice…." Then she could rip off the arm and beat me with it.
"What did Rob give you for Christmas?"
"I took his arm, but I let him keep his leg."
"aww, you guys are so cute together…"
It's true. I don't even think MyUnwife and I were married when she gave me the wallet I use now. It was a Christmas gift, really nice too: tri-fold, lots of credit card space (she liked that. Ok, that's just a bitter joke. Everybody laugh), special ID window, with an extra large slot for easy drunken removal. That wallet is still going strong. Maybe when the divorce is finalized, I'll store the paperwork in it and buy me a new one. I'm not worried about cursing me; my relationship with me will go on for quite some time. I love the moonlit walks and the intelligent conversations I have with myself. I'm such a swell guy.
There are other things that outlived our marriage. The dryer is still going strong, and the fridge just needs to hold out 2 more years; it might make it. The icemaker is dead, so it might pass out and die on the finish line. We'll see. The car's nowhere close, but who expects a car to outlast a marriage anyway anymore? No. I don't have the marriage anymore, but I might as well enjoy the trappings. It's the tinsel on my Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It's not a pretty tree, but it's my tree. It holds a special place: right next to those people getting Christmas cards this year.
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