Christmas is 17 days away. Check your watches? Calendars? Ok whatever, you get the idea. If California got cold it would be snowing right now. Maybe somewhere it is. Every time a cell phone rings a snow angel gets her wings. So long as it isn't here, I'm chionophobic: fear of snow. Ok, not really, but I think it is a popular SoCal malady. I'm also afraid of crazy people, I don’t think there's a name for that, unless it's Californophobia.
Christmas and crazy. They go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Flipping through the paper today, I was touched by the real meaning of craziness. Stories were stacked like gifts under trees. Crazy people wrapped and bowed to greet the season. I saw one story about a guy caught stealing a bunch of…let's call them inflatable companions. Why do that? Some things are just silly to take in bulk. That's why Costco doesn't sell coffins, and they don't sell blow up dolls.
I mean who needs a truckload? Is he having an inflatable orgy? Fem-bot army starter kit? Building a raft? What's he use as a rudder? Nevermind. I don't get it. What's the deal? You only need one in the passenger seat to drive a car in the fast lane. Maybe he's spermophobic: afraid of germs. Yeah, I don't know what the fear of double entendre is, but you probably don't have it if you're still reading. Musically, I think that's AC/DCophobia, blogwise, I don't know. What's the fear of the unknown? I don't know? Isn't that technically the heart of all phobias? It doesn't matter too much to our latex-lover lifter. He's got bigger problems. I hope he doesn't have catagelophbia, because he's definitely getting ridiculed. Yeah, I think he's seen his last real girlfriend...
On the next page of the Times was an article about the Long Beach Christmas tree. The City Counsel couldn't find a big tree this year so they got a 7 footer. No big deal, except it's standing next to a 20 foot menorah. It's looks kind of like what you'd expect if Barbie started dating one of the Fisher Price guys, and not one of the guys with legs either—one of the cylinder body guys: no limbs, balloon head. Easy prey for the zoo animals (if you had that set.) guy. Barbie and FP guy: not really proportionate. Neither were the tree and menorah. I guess the local Christian community got their nativity scene in a bunch because the Jewish symbol was so much bigger. I'm Christian, I shrugged. It's not the size of the tree that counts. What do they call the fear of a short tree? I think that's just called being a guy.
So Long Beach doesn't want a short tree, can't the Mayor just buy the tree a box of ExtenZe? It'll be the talk of the town according to the infomercial on TV right now. I'd argue, but the Barbie doll selling it really seems to know what she's talking about. I trust her. She may not have a medical degree, or a high school diploma, but she has something. I wonder if she suffers from pteronophobia...
Who do you think their target demographic is? Maybe that's why the guy was stealing all the inflatable dolls: He's an ExtenZe distributor. He didn't have any more displays and was making kiosks.
So what are you afraid of this Christmas? The big bad wolf? An ugly divorce? Being alone? Don't worry about it. There are people crazier than you that are doing just fine right now. So long as there's still somebody out there stealing baby Jesus from a nativity with a security cam, you and I are one step ahead of the horde. I think we can get through this crazy divorce thing and still appear more sane than half the weirdoes in the paper. Just don't stare at me. I'm opthalmophobic.
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