One hit wonder. That's what they call me. No, not really, I need a hit for that. They don't call me anything. I call them "they." Who is this "they?" This "they" is VH 1. They're talking about one hit wonders. That's what's on TV now. You know, I swear, the reason holidays suck for us--the divorced--is because we don't get tons of cool gifts to play with, and all the televised "theys" play nothing but crap.
If they're not playing series marathons of programs they can't sell during the prime viewer window, they're rehashing shows older than my dad, and he's old. He used to tell us he watched TV by candlelight. Yeah, we didn't find it funny either, but we laughed, it's old Dad humor. He may be old, but we love him. And he could pick better programming than these TV monkeys. Why don't programmers love the divorced? We're a demographic. We may not spend money like the married parents of 14, but we still eat and clean our houses and buy cars. I can do without all the engagement ring ads though. The next person going to Jared, get's shot with diamond dust loaded into shotgun shells. Just a holiday warning.
The other thing they're playing is family movies. It's a Wonderful Life. Yeah right kiss my- Asthmatic Santa, A Christmas Story, The Christmas Shoes, why would I watch these? What would possibly make me feel good about being divorced over the season? Gimme the Red Rider B-B Gun. Somebody needs their eye shot out. Where are Tombstone, or Highlander when you need them? Not in my cable options; I'll tell you that!
The night of the wind storm, I rented Live Free or Die Hard! I get to the point where they're about to explain why they're killing hackers, terrorizing the public, and bombing with a poor use of Kevin Smith, when my power goes out. I can guess the rest of the movie, but the convoluted plot--that surely has something to do with stealing money--I need a road map to find, and everything's just gone black.
Tune in tomorrow…
GAAAAHHH!
I've given up on everyone else. I'm on VH 1, they're focusing their night on one hit wonders. It wouldn't be too bad, but I'm hearing phrases like "…the young taco…" I think all tacos should be young. If they're old, throw them away. That's apparently what happened to the guy who sang "Putting on the Ritz" too.
Maybe that's why I'm watching this. I'm commiserating. These people were considered disposable. A whole generation said, "You are the weakest link. Goodbye." Every subsequent generation just goes,"Who?" A whole generation! I'm in great shape! I've only had MyUnwife do that! These guys are worse off than I am. Dude, that sucks. Thanks for making me feel better, young Taco. God speed you through obscurity, mi amigo.
One thing I have learned watching late night TV. According to the ad I just watched, buying a Trojan condom transforms any man from a swine into an emo god. Yeah, I know, emo god: oxymoron. But I think it could happen, Trojan promises it will. It also promises other things won't happen, but that's another story. We're talking oxymorons and emo gods. The emo god would use his powers to bring world pity.
"Kneel and pity me mortal!"
Those emo kids, they're wacky. They'll be one hit wonders soon. Me, I'm still waiting for my hit. I've had my day in the park; I just struck out. That's ok, there will be another at bat. Another chance at success. All I need is one hit, so long as it's good. I don't need to knock it out of the park; I just need to get through this holiday of crappy TV.
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