I think today I'll fall into the mold. Not that green stuff under the sink; that stuff'll kill ya. I'm talking about the mold of a mundane blog writer; that'll only steal your integrity—I'm divorcing, I lost that months ago. I mean, here we are at New Years door, and what have I decorated it with? Nothing--not even the noose shaped wreath of discontent, bearing the berries of self-indulgence. Really? How can I show my face on the internet If I don't write in the traditional holiday format. Everybody takes this time of year to fill their lives with top 20 lists and show off their resolve to make resolutions they'll never keep. What have I done? Nothing noticeable. Nothing that screams out like "Rob's Top 20 ways Rob tries to forget his divorce." I can't do that list anyway, the top five aren't legal in the US and number 3 involves 2 olives, a Wiffle ball, a hamster, and cricket paddle. And a bathtub of green Jello. Can't forget the Jello.
Note to self, stop at grocery store...
Jell-Hello! I promise, I'll fall into line. I'll type my nubby tips to the drum-beat of conformity. I am Rob the blog sheep; hear me bleat! BAAAAA!
I already gave my writers' group their resolutions ideas for the year. I told them, "write." I know, call me Socrates. I am the king of other people's wisdom. Drop by, I dispense it like Pez. My life and divorce resolutions, they're a little tougher. They actually should mean something. They should somehow enrich my world, should make me a better person, should give substance to my green Jello, like tasty fruit.
Note to self, buy bananas...
My meaningless resolutions need to show resolve. They need to say Rob is more than a paragon of piffle. Yeah, go ahead, look it up. I'll wait.
Now aren't you glad you looked that up? You can add that to your resolution list: Look up words on Rob's blog. Hell, I'll settle for "Read Rob's Blog," but we all have to start with mini-promises if we ever hope to keep them. So why not start with "Keep display dictionary on desk." If it's a big one, it'll impress your friends, and give you a place to hide all the spouse-heads you've cut out of old pictures.
"Hey, I was looking up 'efface' and all these little heads rolled out…"
But enough of you and yours, back to me and mine. My resolutions for 08 include, "Trying to be more social." I suck at that. Since I work at home that's where I spend my life. I need to get out and expand my social network past my dog. I need to find my six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Why not give people reasons to love and hate me: spread the Rob cheer in everybody's life, like a phegmmy virus.
Another Resolution is to "move past my divorce." I'm doing good so far, but I need to be sure and confident. Right now I'm a little mouse, sniffing the cheesy trap, darting in and out of my safe warm nest. Every thought, every memory, every person isn't going to snap my neck. Or maybe they are, I dunno. I need to be a little Fonzie about this Honey Bunny.
I think I can keep this one though. The mood storms have calmed. I really think I'm much better. The problem is, every time I think I am better, another hurricane rolls through ripping out everything I've worked so hard to lash down and board up. Still, I've tied myself to the main mast and I'm ready for the next storm. If I'm tied up here, I should be able keep my resolutions, or at least not break them. Isn't that something? Could I ask you one small favor though? Could you push that tub of Jello just a little closer? Thank you.
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