Raindrops on roses, biscotti served kittens…or something like that. I went to the mall last night, just to get out of the house. You know they're already playing Christmas music? Yeah, I wasn't that surprised either, but surprised or not, this year I'm a little edgier. This year I'm alone. This year I'm walking the sidewalk outside our local Borders and they're piping out this strudel, poodle, kitten mitten stuff that used to be one of my favorite things. Now they're just reminders that Holiday's are for these nuzzling couples I'm slaloming between looking for escape. Christmas has become that "running nowhere" nightmare. I look down: Thank God I'm not naked too.
Christmas is for families. I know, I've said it before. I think I did that because it's true. I don't tend to repeat my lies. So how did I nip my holiday humbug in the bud? I went to a movie. I saw No Country For Old Men. If a sociopath like Anton Chigurh doesn't chase the fluffy kittens away, then you're gonna need pliers to remove kitty claws and 8 tiny fang nubs from your flesh. That cat's going nowhere. It was a good movie; I'm just not sure it was what I was looking for. I didn't want to think about the movie, I was hoping for more of a feel good, brain-off film like The Mist. Instead I got Tommy Lee Jones tying things together by comparing older and younger generations. Wouldn't it have been easier to just suck bodies into the Christmas mist and be done with it? Chalk it up to naught and nice and all that.
The movie did make me feel good about my uneventful little life. Other things in the theater made me feel good too. A couple sat next to me while the pre show ads were coercing me to buy. The couple was young—both early twenties. Both spending more time with their cell phones than with each other. I never get that, even when you're married; but especially when you're dating. Dating is about impressions. So what you're saying is the person on the other side of this device is more important than the person almost touching you, and that's how it will always be.
Yes, I know, there are extenuating circumstances, especially during the holiday season, but you could tell by the casual apathy that this wasn't an emergency. This was like reading the morning paper: routine. Nothing extraordinary about it for either of them. Then again, I guess that's what you sign up for. If they're both ok with it, then why not? You step into the naught mist, you know what happens. Santa's gonna getcha.
Still, that's not me. I always tried to make sure MyUnwife knew that I knew she was there. I failed a few times, but we can't always be on our game. I'd like to think that I did when it mattered, but then again reread that last sentence. Know that I didn't, and I couldn't. It's not ok, but it will happen. She failed me on several occasions too. Still, she never pulled out the cell, and that was good. That didn't save us from random acts of divorce though. Maybe it is just a coin toss. Team texters sitting beside me are still together, so maybe I should keep my old yap shut.
Christmas was MyUnwife's time of year. I think my ten years in retail sapped the triple-ho spirit from me. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy Christmas, it's just that a whole month of cheer is a little long. It's like going on an M&M binge and then having a friend give you a 2 pound bag. You swallow one candy pellet at a time, smile at your friend, and expect to vomit at any second.
Oozes in your mouth, not in your hands….
It's even worse for me: I listen to radio for a living. Several stations have already turned to the Christmas side. I'll be monitoring and identifying Christmas music till little elfin paratroopers pop from my ears. Woo Freakin' Hoo! So yeah, if you live near KAIM, KSGN, WRCM or KPEZ you too can join in the endless Christmas fun. Tune in, pretend I'm serenading you while my head beats percussion against the wall.
These are a few of my favorite things...
The music drove MyUNwife nuts. She'd roll her eyes across the floor every time she heard "The Christmas Shoes." And let me tell you, come Christmas, she got to hear it a lot. She hated it, I'd learned to numb it out. I think that that skill will come in handy this Christmas.
Santa: So what do you want for Christmas this year Robby?
Me: A happy Marriage.
Santa: Sorry kid, you'll shoot your eye out.
Me: Very funny Santa.
Santa: I got a bag full of 'em. The elves write stuff for me all year. Here have a copy of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.
Me: No thanks, I'm already finding that out, Santa.
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