There by the door, that's where she stood. Toes planted, legs cocked, ready to pounce. Me, the exit and her in-between. The throng of merry churchgoers pushed me forward like villagers bearing Tupperware to a sacrifice party. Normally I wouldn't care, in fact, normally I'd surf the mob to the woman, but I knew what she wanted. She wanted to make my life awkward.
She wanted to invite me to a social gathering.
I ask you, how can I continue whining about being lonely and alone if people are going to invite me to stuff? It really throws off my "pity me" persona. Do you know how hard it is to exude despair with people hokey-pokeying around you? The cheese stand alone, but apparently Rob's not allowed. Great. It's like designing a modern house and then having one of the Ringling brothers decorate it. Actually that wouldn't be too bad; they're all dead. Put a brush in his hand, he'll just lay there. Other than the stink, no problem at all.
"Hey, nice dead body with a paint brush. I wouldn't have thought about putting one of those in my living room."
"Thanks." Crap! Nothing's working right these days.
The woman blocking my escape wants to invite me to a gathering of "The Group." Yep, that's what they call themselves. It's a catch-all group of everyone who's too old for the youth groups, but too young for the seniors group. Her waiting to invite me isn't that bad; I'd already planned on going. I just wanted to show up uninvited. It seemed more my style. Besides then I could hold it over her head later.
"You didn't invite me."
"I tried."
"Sure you did."
"No really, if the crowd hadn't stopped when you pushed the pastor's wife down, I'd have given you an invite."
"But you didn't did you?"
"Well no, I'm sorry."
"That's better."
See that's all I want: To be a martyr to the Rob cause. What is the Rob cause? I don't know. That seems to be the tricky part. And without a purpose, I failed; she gave me the invite, and I went to The Group's gathering. It was small and outside. I made some coleslaw. It was small, and set with the other sides. Everybody brought something. Other people brought beer too: We're Lutherans, 4 out of 5 members are of German heritage. You won't get anybody to show up without beer and brats. (Brats: grilled sausage, not unruly children. The confusion of terms could make us sound like a less desirable group than just a bunch of lushes. And what exactly is a gathering of lushes? You know "pride of lions," "murder of crows," would it be a "bar of lushes?" Just checking.). To add to the enticement level, they added "Beer tasting" to the evening fun fest.
I was sort of nervous. This was my first social outing since MyUnwife left. I wasn't sure of the protocol. Did I need to announce my status?
"Hi, I'm Rob, I'm divorcing."
"Hi, I'm Rob, I'm divorcing…."
Was I invited as someone to spurn? Of course not. There's beer, we'll all be buddies by the end of the night. Still I don't like being surrounded by people I don't know. It's probably too many pod-people horror movies as a kid. I don't want to be just like them.
So I made my introductions. Shook hands, smiled, nodded., all the appropriate stuff. Most people were coupled off, so that was kinda awkward. On the other hand it was safe. I didn't have to worry about any kind of set up.
"Rob, this is lonely single girl. You don't have anything in common but you're both alone. Talk about that."
Yeah, I've attended that party. I've also had Lonely-single-girl say something like "I've seen you around. You hang out with this really cute looking guy. Is he single?" Ah yes, the scars of youth…
But this wasn't that party. This was a bunch of adults discussing life over numbered Dixie cups of beer. I was still the outsider, because I didn't know anyone, but I could see a world where that might change. Still, sometimes I worry about it. I'm a nice guy, but I'm also an acquired taste like asparagus or cyanide. Remember Mr. Rogers? Remember the experiment he did with dish soap and ground pepper? He poured a bowl of water, then sprinkled in pepper. After the pepper spread around, he put a few drops of dish soap in, and the pepper fled to the side of the bowl. It was all pissed, it had had the whole bowl to itself, and then the soap crashed in, ruining the whole thing. I am a soapy guy. It's ok, I like me, but I'm a little odd for some. I'm not gonna turn all pepper just to attract the pepper people, that's not who I am. Sooner or later more soap will show up and we'll both bubble with excitement.
So were my church friends soap or pepper? It's still too early to tell. There were definitely dark dashes there, but I think there were also soaps who were sprinkled with pepper. They just need cleaned up a bit. I hate to admit it, but I had fun. It's really about getting out there. The more you go out and try, the more you're find other blobs of suds. And see? With Lutherans, I can hide the soap as beer froth.
"I wouldn't drink that."
"Thanks friend."
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