"I Need You Around…"-Smoking Popes

I started a new relationship today. Yeah, It doesn't take me very long to dive right back in. I waited the allotted half-hour, now ready to splash around.

Swimmy! Swimmy! Splashy! Splashy!

So far no cramping, good sign. I'm hoping this is long term. It's comfortable, and we seem to work well together. Could I ask for more? Sure, I could. I could also learn a lot more about disappointment. No, for now this is better.

The last one ended poorly. I can admit now; it was my fault. It started with a misunderstanding and ended with my temper. My temper isn't that big, but it flares up, like a Bic lighter. Well, not Richard Pryor Bic flares, that's a bad example. This is more like little lever pushed to low and a normal spark flare. Maybe think 4 year-old with a pet tantrum he just brought home from the puppy store. Yeah, that's about right.

I don't usually get violent, not with people. I save all that kind of aggression for the inanimate.

The inanimate is why I've started a new relationship today.

See, my mouse and I, we've been together for a few years. We've been through a lot: soda spills, Doritos dunes, and alcohol driven web quests. I know her skin like the palm of my hand. I touch her, and she says "Where to?"

I think she's getting bored. She doesn't respond the way she used to, and she's been talking to other devices behind my back. The other day, I walked in and found her rubbing against the TV remote. I tried not to get jealous, but what was I to think, her little tail wagging around for everybody to see? I'm only a man.

She was with a remote! What am I, a piece of meat? Well yeah, maybe so, but I'm better than a battery operated piece of plastic. Honestly, I think she was just using him. I think she likes pushing his buttons to get a rise out of me.

Well this morning she started early. I tried nudging her, but she acted all uninterested--as if my touch didn't do anything for her anymore. I slipped her forward, and she refused to react. I tried pulling her down, and she pretended to be asleep. I don't get it. How could she be so callused?

To make matters worse, I'd just started my first cup of coffee. I know better than to drink early in the morning but she was on my last nerve. The coffee didn't help. I started yelling and she got all mad. She refused to do anything until I apologized.

I refused to apologize. So there we sat--seething. I broke the silence.

I picked her up, and that's when the ball dropped. No really, that's exactly what happened.

What the-? Ball? "I thought you were a mousy girl?" My mouse has got balls! He's a Mickey not a Minnie!

"AAAAHHH!" I shrieked, sounding like a 9 year-old girl being asked to kiss a boy.

My mouse laughed. How could I be such a fool? I felt dirty. I felt used. Well I wouldn't continue this. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm sorry. I kicked the Mickey to the curb and went out to find a new one. Someone better, someone Minnie.

I found her flirting at the Depot--Office Depot. We talked. She seemed nice. She was even understanding when I explained I'd been Bic burned in the past and wanted to be sure before I brought her home. She's the best. When I hold her in my hand I can feel a special electricity. She's the one for me.

We still have a few glitches to work out; no relationship is perfect. Still, the way we fit together is almost ergonomic. I know we'll find our way. It's that way with all relationships. God closes one window and clicks and drags another.

It is still kind of awkward. I mean, I'm not used to having to pay for it. I don't know. It's just another thing we'll work out--together. Me and my new mouse.