I read the news. I keep up on current affairs. I see the signs. I watch for pedestrian traffic. I take caution when there's a low bridge. I drive thru to second window. In short: I can read more than tea leaves.
What's that mean to anything or anybody? Nothing really, it's just an observation to my observing nature. Reading life's signs, it's important. Call me an observatory.
"Look it's the dawn of Aquarius with a champagne Chevy Nova in the garage of it's 5th house!"
Yeah, I know my night sky like I know the back of my head. It's really the same thing as Schultz from Hogan's Heroes, or more timely, it's like my knowledge of relationships.
"Sharp flying objects are closer than they appear."
Still, I like impaling relationships. No wait, that's "Compelling" not "impaling." sorry. Compelling. it's kind of like art: I know what I like. Are you still there, or have I lost you in this stone skip across my mind. I hope you haven't fallen in; my mind isn't really deep but it is really frothy. Briny brain beer: "Don't drink."
So if you're still with me, you are here. "Signs and Relationships." for obvious reasons I've been studying the signs surrounding relationships lately. Window shopping, if you will. I haven't tried anybody on, I'm just admiring. I like to see what works, and what doesn't. What are the kids buying this year? Do I need to modify my chassis? I find that thought terrifying.
I have found one constant: annoying couples are still out there. You know, lovey-dovey sugar sweets whose very existence makes a saint consider martyrdom for an afternoon of fun and frolic?
"Do not use Taser in swimming pool."
I'm acquainted with a few of these people. I won't mention any names, in case you travel in the same crop circles I do, but I was husking through one website and nearly blew corn chunks. It's this one journal. I read it, but it's become like reading Get Fuzzy in the comics. It stopped being cute years ago, but some how I can't look away.
There's this online person who mentions her newfound love like he's the lyric to a favorite song she can't get out of her head. She hums his name in every post and sings his praises with every stanza.
For those of us coming out of a divorce, this is like crawling out of a 3 day desert trek to watch the water dump scene of Flashdance. We don't see the sexy, we see the waste of thirst quenching liquid. I read her sugar sketches. I don't see the cute I see the annoying.
"I'm just showing you that there's love out there, you'll find it…someday."
Yeah, lean over my fry vat and say that...
She's not showing love. That's like saying Paris's Paparazzi beaver shot was purely biological. ("See, I'm a woman.") It's not. It's gloating. You're holding it in our face, and it stinks.
Remember: Wear protective clothing when handling hazardous materials.
Still, like Get Fuzzy, I give the posts a glance, and every day Captain Sunbeam makes his heroic entry. Part Wayne, part Garth, all Man.
We're not worthy!
Yeah, whatever! Still, I'm crawling out of the primordial divorce swamps and I still don't have the opposable thumb to turn the page. So imagine my disdain when I log into my favorite divorce haven to find that not only do I have to read Fuzzy's posts, but now Captain Sunbeam has joined the club. What the hell? If I wanted Donnie and Marie I'd flip to TV Land at 4pm Wednesday (no, don't rush for your TVs! I swear I made that up. I have no idea when they show it).
So yes, it's now the Fuzzy Sunbeam show and they're a black hole sucking the joy out of being alone and recovering from divorce. Ok, so maybe that was as easy taking the fun out of colonoscopy. Still, t's the pointy stick of the matter: Joy, gone. The end.
"Oh you're just jealous, Rob" That's what you're saying. I say to you, "No, if I was just jealous I'd slap on a chum salve and dive into the shark tank." I'm not jealous. Sure I'd love to be in a loving relationship, but I don't need somebody else in my life just so I can be annoying. I can do that all by myself.
Annoying blogger next exit.
I see the signs. They all say the same thing. They all say that this is going to be a long summer.
Whatever.
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