I've heard people ask, "What's so great about you, Rob?"
I know! I can't believe they'd ask that either! It's ok. I understand. Some people can't see the aura of intellect--probably because it's so blinding.
So here, let me help. One of the great things about Rob is that he dispenses wisdom like it's Pez. It's true. Ask a question, and I'll rock my head back so that a sugary wisdom brick will spring from my throat. I know. I'm practically magical.
That's why I like to spew blocks like a video game villain. If one hits you, just pick it up, brush it off and say "thank you." Yesterday, somebody was asking for it. So I let her have it.
She approached the Rob throne and said, "Oh, great and mighty Rob, impart your wisdom on me."
I readied a brick. "What can I tell you?'
"I can drive people away by picking arguments with them. I just realized this, what should I do?"
"Stop."
"Thank you, Rob!"
"You're welcome. Next…"
If only it were that easy. Here's the thing, you all know this is a bunch of crap right? Nobody in their right mind comes to me for advice. Oh I still dispense it like Pez, but it's not nearly as sweet or half as useful. If you collect enough Rob wisdom, sometimes you can hold down a stack of papers during a small gust, but that's about it.
My friend did ask the question, but I think she was hoping for smarter people to reply. Instead she got me. What a disappointment that must have been.
"Aww, hell. I got Rob."
Go commiserate with MyUnwife, she understands all too well.
Still I answered her question. I told her that, as she already knew, it was a defense mechanism. It's common. I know a lot of women who sabotage relationships that way, everyone from husbands and friends, to the LA Times paperboy. It's pretty normal. Then I made a huge mistake. I told her that guys had their own version of the same thing.
Really I was just trying to get her off my back. I'd answered the question. This was the pat on the back, "Next…"
If only it were that easy. She pushes all the other questioning people back, and asks, "Really? Oh great and wise Rob, tell me what guys do."
"Uhm…Well…" See, now I've got a real problem. First off, if I tell her, I could lose my "guy card." That's right, I'd no longer be allowed in sporting events or given the 5% tap discount at local bars. I don't want to lose that. It's important to my manhood. The other thing is, I'm Rob, I don't have a clue what the hell I'm talking about.
Still, she'd asked the question. I needed to tell her something. What should I say? I decided to divert from the normal game plan: I'd tell her the truth. At least as far as I understood it. I thought through my own experience of pushing people away and I told her.
We can be very aloof. If we feel like we're getting too close, we don't attack, because that means we have to get close enough to hit something. We slam the brakes and back up. We get quiet and distant, quickly. It's not about creating conflict so we can remain blameless, it's about getting out before we get hurt, we'll wear the albatross of blame if that's what's necessary.
She liked it. I'd blinded her with Rob-light. She thought I knew what I was talking about. Whew! I like sounding smart. I decided to take it a step further and explain what usually happens when the male and female version of this get together.
[What usually happens is] a woman will lob the argument bomb just as the guy is stepping back, when she feels she's missed with the first shot, she'll lob another one. He's still backing up. She need to lob another one This goes on until both parties think the other one hates them, when in fact all that's happening is they're both being too defensive.
What do you know? She bought that too! I reread it because I like doing that when I make people think I'm smart. That way I have extra Pez wisdom for later.
I probably shouldn't have done that. The woman who wrote her question/comment because she'd had an epiphany. Now she gave it to me. I hate epiphanies; they make my head hurt.
No, I hadn't just solved my divorce. In fact this had little to do with MyUnwife and I. Although the male extension of my analogy was me, the female was not played by MyUnwife. On the other hand it was very familiar to many relationships I'd had in the past.
Holy Defensive Smackdown Batman!
And yeah, I've done this, everyone from past girlfriends to Wendy's drive up cashiers. I'd replayed this gender war a hundred times. And there was never anything to take home but casualty fries.
So what do I do? How do I correct this. I asked the great and mighty Rob, but all he said was "Stop." Some help he is!
Yeah, that Rob. Unless you're looking for more Pez questions than you started with, he's really not much help, but I'll give him this: He certainly is blinding.
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