One of the things that makes me such a great guy is that I'm humble. After that, when I'm done talking about how humble I am, it's that I care about other people. I care a lot. Really I do. I had a fortune cookie last week that said as much. Fortune cookies never lie. They're letters from the future.
That's why I take time to read what's going on with other people. How else can I tell how wonderful I am unless I compare myself to others?
Loser<Rob
I'm just asking.
That's why occasionally I get a surprise. Somebody will say something interesting. I'll see a post somewhere that says "Hey! Look at me! I'm cool!" And what do you know, they're right! I don't usually believe them, but I found one that was short too. It couldn’t hurt to look. I like brevity in the soul of a nit-wit.
It wasn't a nit-wit. In fact, I don't think this guy ever touched a needle and thread. (yeah, go ahead, work through that one, I dare you.) I was over at D360, and somebody asked, "If you could send a message back to a former you, from any time, what would you send? When would it reach you? What would it say?"
I liked the question, so I typed an answer. Unfortunately, I wanted to tell the old Rob more things than the 2,000 character limit would allow. What could I do? How could I reach old Rob? How could I tap on his shoulder and say what needed to be said?
The answer lie in broken chunks before me:
fortune cookie.
That's right. Like any mediocre sci-fi movie staring that B actor from that crappy show I used to watch but can't remember the name, life has magic logic loop holes. If I moved my answer to MY blog space, I didn't need to adhere to text mass limitations. I could spray words like an alien horde teeming for invasion.
Or simply have a future delivery boy knock and leave a fortune cookie on my past welcome mat. Past Rob isn't too picky, he'll see free food and go at it like a squirrel with a nut. After chewing his way past the plastic wrap, I'm hoping he'll find the fortune letter before gnawing the cookie.
If he does, then this is what he'd read:
My Dearest Rob,
This is future Rob. Hey dude, howzit goin? I know you don't believe me, but it really is me. I'd explain how, but science is a complex thing, enjoy the cookie. Don't believe me? Go watch Doctor Who. Well in the future it's back. That's how crazy things are. Anyway, I have a lot to say and I can only say so much before the other people reading this turn away in boredom. See, in the future, five people actually read what you/I say. That's right. Five! It's called a blog, and you'll know what I mean later. For now, lets just say, I'd like to keep all 5--well now 4--4 readers, so please just accept my words on faith.
Since I know you, and that you're a little skeptical when it comes to taking things on faith. Here's proof. I'm sorry this has to hurt: Remember Doe-eyed Debbie? Yeah, her. Stop smiling! I know she's cute and all, but remember last week? You didn't tell anybody that you went out with her on that "date." I know, that's what you still call it, but I also know about this conversation at her door:
"Hi!"
"Hi"
"So you ready to go?"
"Yeah. Oh, I forgot to mention before. I've invited my sister."
Yeah Rob, I know. It sounded exciting but it wasn't like that at all, was it? It wasn't even like a date, right? I wish I could tell you Debbie was stricken by some debilitating pox, but no. The truth is, you'll never see her again.
So here's the thing. I've got this one chance to talk to you from the future, to tell you what you need to know in order to get by, to help you avoid some debilitating pot hole and live happily ever after. The truth is that it's not just one pot hole. It's a minefield out there, and you're gonna hit every one. That's cool, because it makes you who I am today. I like me. You will to. You'll grow to like me anyway. The scars look awesome once they heal. So just keep doing what you're doing. Love life, experience all the mistakes, and relish in the joy. It really is fun out there. Yeah, I know you really were hoping for a spoiler, huh? Ok, here's a quick gimme: the name MyUnwife? It'll mean a lot to you--Later.
I do have a small favor to ask you in return. Tonight, you're going drinking with the guys. See? I told you I knew everything. Later in life, you'll enjoy writing, tonight would be a great night to jot some notes and get some practice. Why not copy down a few things for posterity's sake. Future Rob has a lot of holes concerning tonight; try filling in some blanks. For instance, when you sprain your ankle, write a few words about how it happened. Likewise, if you could take a moment to explain the cotton candy in your zipper and the words "Yapple Dapple" appearing in lipstick around your bellybutton, would be great help too. A short sentence about who put them there would be appreciated too.
Oh, and I do have one other question, while I've got you reading. Last night, there was this stupid show on TV. You know, you watch it every week. Don't deny it, I told you, I know these things. Anyway, what's the name of the show and who's the B actor who stars in it? I'll need it for future reference.
Toodles!
Future Rob.
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