"hey, hey, Hey, I'm guilty…"Gravity Kills

It's been a while, why do I feel so guilty? Still, it's done. I did it. I have to confess. Last week I opened up a website. I spent some money. I admit it. I bought CDs. Sue me.

I've tried to be really good with my money. Sure I bought sheets and towels last week, but if you saw what I'm replacing, you'd understand. Come on over. I'll show you. Give you the grand tour.

"These are my ragged sheets."

"oooohhh…"

"Ahhhhhh…"

"Ohhhhh…"

Yeah pretty amazing, huh? I lay them over the newspaper to decode secret messages. If I let them get much worse though, I'll be getting the wrong message.

"Last week it said 'love thy neighbor.' Today it says, 'long time.'"

So last week I spent some money at gopherslayer.com and got my little buddies a little somethin'-somethin'. Today, I stopped by the Amazon to look at the women. Imagine my disappointment when the only things they showed were books, movies and music. What the hell?

Yet there it was. I could hear the call. Listen, you might hear it too, but I doubt it. This call was tuned specifically for my ears. This call, the siren's song of virgin CDs, it was music, and the music was symphonic sweet.

Lulled towards the sound, my credit card crashed upon the rocks. I'd have sank and drown myself if not for the lilt of the music. It was my emergency floatation device. See, I hadn't bought anything frivolous like that in months.

So the question is, "What is my problem?" I live alone and I'm feeling guilty for being selfish. Who was I going to spend it on? The dog? He loves the food and treats, and I already have plenty right now. If you were reading and not just skimming, you'd know that I bought something for the gophers. I hope they like it…

Who else is there? I give blood. I give money to the church. I do my job. Who's left. Me? Oh yeah! So once again, why do I feel guilty?

I went to church and looked for the confessional. Imagine my disappointment. I'm Lutheran, we gave those up for lent and never brought them back. Oh we still have plenty to confess, we just like to do it quietly to ourselves. We're kind of library confessors. Don't rile us or we're clear our throat indignantly.

"forgive me fath-"

"SHHHH!"

I tried talking to God directly, but he didn't seem interested in the CDs. He wanted to talk about a few other things he kept on a computer fold out. "Oh, sorry God, look at the time, I've gotta run." He says we'll talk about it sooner or later. I'm not sure I like what he was implying.

So I have new CDs, and no one to confess them to, so I'm talking to you. When I was married, I felt guilty about such things because it was money I could have spent on her or us or the house. That at least was reasonable. Now MyUnwife's gone, she took her stuff, but she left me with the guilt. I specificly remember offering her a 50/50 spit on that.

She didn't take it so I'm offering it to you. Come by I have guilt sandwiches, guilt kabobs, fried guilt, grilled guilt, everywhere a guilt guilt. Come and get it. Get it while it's hot. Cuz if I can feel guilty about CDs you know I've got to be plenty more good guilt to go around.