Did you ever read Rip Van Winkle when you were a kid? It's about the guy who played Fonzie on Happy Days dying. No wait. That's RIP Mon Winkler. Sorry…
If my card game of "Authors" served me right as a kid, Rip Van Winkle was written by Washington Irving.
For those of you who missed the Winkle tale, let me iron it out. Rip is a lazy guy who drinks a lot. (Ok, the next person who says "That's Rob!" is so going to get it!) He's got this nagging wife who doesn't appreciate his lifestyle and frequently lets him know it. She wants a Porsche, and he's only provided an ass; it's a common story.
Here's where it goes weird though. Rip sneaks away from home one night to have a few drinks; the nagging is making his whiskey sour. On a hill out of nag-shot he finds some guys playing nine-pin. Rip explains that locals usually use ten pins and they really should set up a proper alley, complete with shoes and a bar, but the strangers continue to play anyway. He hangs out and drinks with them, because let's face it, even if they don't know how to bowl, it's more fun than hanging out with his wife who right now is crocheting a Mini-Rip Van voodoo doll.
See? Couples of all ages have trouble. Rip and his wife had theirs. That's ok, because that problem is about to resolve itself.
It turns out that his new friends are ghosts. Rip settles down for a nap because drinking and playing takes a lot of effort. When he wakes up, it's 20 years later. His wife is dead and most of the people he's known have moved. Life is a little traumatic at first but without the nagging, he settles back in and learns he can drink in peace. Rip lives happily ever after.
So what does that story have to do with anything other than Rob stealing 5 minutes of your life without even offering you a courtesy drink? It's this: Last night I discovered that I'm Rip Van Winkle.
Yeah, I was shocked too. I mean I shaved my goatee months ago, I'm clean cut, I drink less, and only bowl with ten pins.
RVW?
WTF?
Yup. I'm busily working away, and I've got VH1 on as background noise. They're telling me why I Love the New Millennium! Now at first I was a little confused. The first decade isn't even over. Isn't it a little early to do a retrospective? VH1 said "Nay! Nay! When we can make a buck, and hypnotize our viewers to forget that we don't show videos anymore, then we can call that day a good day. We didn't even have to use our AK…"
Well, normally I'd skip the ADD nostalgia fest, but tonight it's competing against a chubby-era Steven Segal movie (you know, it's one from the past 5 years or so, the one where he leads a prison break for a box of donuts, then whoops ass on the shop keeper for not having yellow sprinkles? It's like Caged Bearclaw 2 or something like that...) and Steel Magnolias. Yeah, so I clicked the remote and said, "Bring on the new millennium!"
I start watching just in time for 2007 and was so glad I did. Apparently I fell asleep that year. I was too busy breaking up with MyUnwife to realize what was going on in the real world.
Did you know that some astronaut went nutty and drove cross country in Pampers, Fatal Attraction style? Yeah, she left her marriage to chase after another astronaut who was dating another down to earth woman. Talk about women are from Venus! Holy Crap! If only I could make stuff up like that, I'd be a far better writer! She makes Rip Van Winkles' wife look like Caroline Ingles from Little House!
I slept through that whole thing! Man, I suck. I also found out that faux-hawks were an acceptable hairstyle.
So you mean I could get up in the morning without showering, go out, and my hair would be considered "in style?"
Dude! If we could have mixed that with the Miami Vice stubble face I could have forgone (Forewent? Foredeparted? Forever? Whatever...) the whole personal hygiene thing altogether. One more thing I didn't need to face during divorce.
That does make you wonder about old Rip. He'd been laying there 20 years. What kind of BO/ Breath issues did he have? Hell, MyUnwife wouldn't even kiss me before I stepped into the bathroom for a quick tune up, and that's like 20 hours, not 20 years. Were there like dead gophers lying atop him because they got too close (if only they were that easy to get rid of…)? Coyotes peed warning circles around his body, "Don't get close!"
I'm just wondering, because now I find I've been asleep for 1 year. This is a new world, and although I've maintained rudimentary appearances, I'm still not the hip/happening guy I should be. Hell, I still say "Dude!" how long has that been out of fashion?
It's a brave new world, and I'm a little scared. Sometimes I wonder if Rip could climb back up the mountain and go back to sleep, would he? Once you're awake to the world, can you draw the blind again? I don't know if I want to get up. Sure it's exhilarating, but so is hiding from Michael Myers as he slashes through the house. I'm not looking for that kind of excitement. I'd just like a nice drink and a place to rest my head. Oh yeah, and somebody to nudge me awake and give me a kiss now and then. I'm Rip Van Robby.
0 comments:
Post a Comment