"When the dogs begin to smell her …"-Stone Temple Pilots

Sniff, Sniff!

I smell something. No, not napalm in the morning, and it's certainly not the smell of victory; what is it? According to the LA Times, it may be love.

Yeah the fragrance packet buried in the back of the health section smells like silly people with way too much funding and a whole lotta extra time, trying to make a buck. Ah…it's the smell of one being born every minute.

Actually that's part of what they're selling. No not suckers, they're selling smells of hormonal compatibility, and that's supposed to mean great sex and good babies--or is that the other way around?

Hey, where did everybody go? Ok, go Google "smelly sex compatibility" I'll wait. For those of you more patient readers, I'll tell you where to go to get your funk on. Scientificmatch.com. The LA times article said that all I had to do was swap a spit sample and the website would do the rest.

They hire out a CSI lab for the weekend, crosscheck DNA, and wham bam thank you Hodges, you've got a date. Supposedly that’s all a good mate takes: Plan 9 meets match.com. Their plan is to send your chromosomes swimming in somebody else's nucleotides. It's supposed to work better than peanut butter in chocolate; you'll not only find somebody who makes your heart go pitter pat, but all the other areas too. Their smell alone will make you roll over in the morning just to sniff their pillow. And that's just the beginning!

"Honey, why does my pillow look..uhm…violated?"

"No reason."

"you've got down in your nose again."

"Oh, sorry."

No, that's not what I mean, although as hard as they sell it, maybe that is what they mean. They promise that by spitting in a cup I can:

1. Get high on my mate's stink.
2. Have smellier rut-tastic sex.
3. Be with a woman who will achieve more orgasms.

Great, now I've lost you guys again! I'm only half done with the list! Fine. I'll just finish without you. (yeah, I've head that joke too. Very funny…)

4. Date somebody who's less likely to cheat. I guess my sweat binds her to some olfactory nose ring. I tried doing that the old fashioned way, but MyUnwife got upset when I rubbed her down with my arm-pits.
5. Experience a higher fertility rate.
6. Have healthier babies with better immune systems.
7. Enjoy a better cup of coffee.
8. Bring world peace.

Ok, so I made the last two up, but I'm not sure they didn't make up the first 6. I think we're even. This is like licking the LSD toad to hallucinate the perfect prince. I mean I believe in the power of the 5 senses, and yeah, taste and smell can be erotic, but my perfect stinkmate? Sniff, sniff! Really?

Call me old fashioned. I believe the best way to find a partner is to have my parents arrange it for me. I've proven I can't pick a winner. Why not let them do it? Somehow the "If at first you don't succeed try, try again" adage loses it's perfume in the marriage world. Multiple divorces make you smell more and more like old fish.

Ok, I'm not going to let my folks set me up. That's just stupid. So is signing up for the dating service. Don't get me wrong, they work for some people. I'm just thinking if I'm gonna smell the roses, I'd like to pick them myself. The red one I picked the last time may not have been right, but I'd like to think I'm a fast learner. Maybe I'll try a yellow or a pink next. If I trust my five senses, I'll get a sixth sense about my potential mate.

And if she violates my pillow? Well that's just an added bonus.