"Some get stung it's worth the cost…"-Morcheeba

"...He resembled a buff Ryan Gosling (The Notebook movie)..."

I never know what to do with these cryptic emails. Archeologists at least get picture writings, I get allusions to writing geese. Ryan Gosling? Notebook? The words look English, but the dialect is foreign. Girl-speak? Yeah, I didn't understand the remedial grammar during 7 years of marriage, how can I decode super spy electronic encoded messages?

"The trash looks full."

"oh, I'll get to that later."

"That's not what I asked, my love."

"Ok, I'm just going to finish up this letter to my dad."

"Sweetie, was I being unclear?"

"Crystal darling. I'm on it now."

Yeah, I gave MyUnwife a Rob to English dictionary for her birthday, but she refused to use it. Now I'm wondering if I should mass produce the thing, because people think that The Notebook is a good Rob reference point.

It's funny where men and women choose to map the conversational thumbtacks. I don't even think we use the same board. Guys are busy swinging string from tack to tack growing relational trees, While women wrap cat's cradle because it looks nice. And yet if you ask either side, it all makes perfect sense. The woman who'd emailed me wanted to tie Ryan Gosling in silk strands. But I've got nothing. Where does young Gosling fall on the guy scale?

"Nose of Stalone?"

"No."

"Eyes of Schwarzenegger?"

"No."

"Bruce Willis Hairline?"

"uh-"

"Acting prowess of Van Damme?"

"What?"

"You say he's a man, right?"

Yeah, no help. I looked him up: Remember the Titans. "Oh Him!" See? Two different languages.

Before mistaking his co-star for
chum, Shamu held a promising
career in horror movies. Now he
sulks through the water show
circuit.

When you're in a relationship, movies are one of those areas where you try to find a common ground early. If you succeed, then you stand a chance. MyUnwife bore a marriage length grudge after watching MI:2.

"It was an accident! I was weak!"

"Well I hope you had a good time!"

I didn't. I didn't like it any more than she did, but that didn't stop her from holding it over my head. Especially come Brokeback Mountain time. Even so, it took 3 rum and rums to get me into that theater.

"Just relax, you'll like it."

I didn't. I felt dirty. I'm not a homophobe I swear. Ok maybe I am, just a little. I think it was that time outside of Rocky Horror When Dr. Frank-N-Furter grabbed my chest. I was young; it scarred me.

"Dude, you ok?'

"…"

"I was joking--trying to get a rise."

"…"

Somebody help! I think he's stopped breathing! Mouth to mouth!"

"AHHH!"

Still, that wasn't why I didn't like the Brokeback film. I didn't find the relationship real. Jake could have been Maggie, and I still wouldn't have believed it. Speaking of Maggie, that was one film we did agree on: Secretary. MyUnwife liked the hidden themes, I liked the hidden sex. Or was it the other way around? Anyway you like it, we liked it. That was a fun film for everyone.

"Mommy, what are we watching?"

"A movie Rob recommended."

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend that. You can trust me. When I was younger, I spent 2 years recommending movies to couples. I worked in a video/music store. One of my favorite parts of the job was counseling couples on films. Showing them how to compromise and grow together over love stories with a little action, or little stories with love action. I had tons of regular customers.

"What should we watch this week, Rob?"

"Step into my office…"

I wonder what they'd do now. I've proven I can't communicate with the fairer gender. Still, as a member of the furrier gender I think it's about shaving once and a while. That, and moving forward--that's probably more relevant than shaving here. It's about not giving up. If I make a translation error, or mis-string free association relationship trees, I unwind, and try to tie things together more coherently. The Notebook? It's a love story about a couple that weaves the course of their lives. Despite life's hurdles that separate them, the couple is drawn to each other and realize their destiny is intertwined. I can get behind a story like that.

Oh, and Ryan Gosling? In the movie he plays the part of the great white shark.

"Come on into the water!"

Yeah, I'm still a guy.